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House Pets, Ranked

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Every respectable fraternity chapter has a live-in pet. These animals provide companionship, are practically a cheat code to sorority a girl’s pants, and, to be frank, have seen some shit. It is time we pay tribute to these resilient creatures and all they provide for our chapters by ranking them from worst to best.

5. Cats

It was a stretch to even put cats on this list as I hope no fraternal man would ever let one of these soulless excuses for a pet roam the halls of their frat castle. Anyone who reads this and thinks otherwise of cats is likely visiting this site via the student center computer lab as they wait for the public Xbox to open up for another round of Minecraft.

Cats are horrible and so are their owners.

4. Snakes

Though arguably more entertaining than a cat, snakes are possibly the least appealing animal alive to a female and are pretty much just trained killers waiting to break free and ransack your active chapter full blown Snakes on a Plane style. I am relatively certain that the only women who have ever fallen for a man because of his pet snake are Juggalos. So to all snake owners, please do us a favor and keep your pets the hell away from fraternity houses, you creeps.

3. Fish

While every badass freshman has a refilled Bombay handle with a fish inside sitting in their dorm, a true fish tank is a serious undertaking. The “Wanna come see my fish tank?” trick is a tried and true formula for some fornication, which obviously bumps these sea creatures up on the list. Sure, they’re expensive, impossible to maintain, and do not do a whole lot, but fish look cool and women have a peculiar admiration for them.

2. Goats

While goats are usually tied back to weird hazing stories that GDIs spread to validate their stupid decision not to rush, they can, in fact, be terrific companions. Goats can embody the kindness of a dog if they like you, but if you cross a goat they will have no quarrels about goring you with their horns. A goat is a true brother. They will be the best friend of their owner but as soon as they see their owner get provoked, shit will hit the fan. Goats are also terrific maids for the pledge-free summer months; they will literally eat anything from garbage to rusted metal to human vomit. While goats are both versatile and unpredictable, they still do not claim the number one spot.

1. Dogs

This should come to nobody’s surprise that dogs are the best fraternity pet. Almost every chapter already has one, and if yours doesn’t then I don’t even know where to start. Much like our number two spot on the list, a dog is the most loyal and caring animal in the world. When you get down on yourself for not closing with Jenny from Econ, your dog will be ready and willing to walk through the quad together and find you a rebound. Buy a dog as a puppy and raise it into a hardened frat hound and you will be prouder than you ever thought possible. Between swooning ladies, being featured as the composite mascot, and chasing non-affiliates who claim “they brought like four girls” to the party with them, your dog is a true jack of all trades.

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