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House Hunting In College Vs. House Hunting As An Adult

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party house college house house hunting

After college, I had to leave behind my beloved fratchelor pad (I didn’t mean that; please delete it) to move back in with my parents. Not only were they the ones who indebted themselves for the degree I still hadn’t found a legitimate job from, but they also became my landlords. Tough break for ’em. Don’t worry, though; I didn’t move into their basement like some loser. Instead, I moved back into my old high school bedroom. Or, as I liked to call it, “The Executive Suite.”

Unfortunately for me, I went to a school that didn’t allow Greek houses. There were no frat castles or sorority rows for me to stroll through while I attended the halls of higher learning. Instead, during the school year we had to rent beach houses wealthy New Yorkers would boot us out of and live in during summer months. Weird; I know.

Each new year meant we had to look for a new house. Every time we’d meet with our real estate agent, she would usher us around in her Hillary Clinton pantsuit like we were on some weird mix of Animal House and House Hunters aptly named Animal House Hunters. Now that I’ve graduated and some of my friends are actually doing productive things with their lives, they’re going on to buy their own houses — and the house-buying process definitely differs from the house renting one of our college years. Here’s the difference between house hunting in college and house hunting as an adult.

Location

Adult: “This house is close to some great schools, is in a safe area, and is going to be a very easy commute into the city for work!”

College: “Are we close enough to campus but far enough from the police station?”

Cost Of Living

Adult: “Taxes in this area are very low, and these houses have great resale value.”

College: “When should I tell my parents I’m definitely not getting the security deposit back?”

Cleaning

Adult: “These tile floors are going to be so hard to clean! And the yard is so big we’re gonna have to mow the grass every week!”

College: “Pledges will take care of it.”

Cooling And Heating

Adult: “I’m so glad these walls are insulated! Just think how much money we’ll save on heating during the winter months.”

College: “Thank God the walls are padded; now I don’t have to hear each of my roommates’ individual thrusts.”

Home Security

Adult: “Oh, this neighborhood has a neighborhood watch! How nice.”

College: “Is there a door at which someone can stand and ask, ‘Woah, woah, woah… Who do you know here?’”

Neighbors

Adult: “Oh, those people next door seem so nice! Maybe we can start hanging out and having wine nights and barbeques together and plan a yearly block party!”

College: “Fuck, I hope those neighbors don’t call the cops. You know what, I hope they just move out.”

Having A Pool

Adult: “This will be nice for entertaining people on hot summer’s days. Just wait until we have kids and they can play around in it!”

College: “Drain it; halfpipe for the pledges. 900s only.”

Basements

Adult: “There’s plenty of storage room down here. Maybe in a few years we can refinish it and add a few couches and turn it into a den!”

College: “I wonder how many people we could fit down here before either the cops show up or the house falls down?”

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ItalianStallion

Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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