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Never join a small house with “lots of potential.” You might get stuck in a group of guys with so little game that when you throw your first real function, the girls bring over another fraternity.
It all started on a Monday. Our social chair came running into my room with a tattered piece of notebook paper in his hand.
“Dude! Dude! You’re never going to guess…— I did it, man!”
“I booked the Gammas for a function this week!”
“No fucking way.”
“I did, bro! It’s all right here.”
The ratty paper was a set of incredibly specific demands, including a shopping list for several thousand dollars worth of top shelf liquor.
“Yeah, we have to buy them all that stuff… But they’ll come.”
“Hell yeah! Let’s alert the boys and plan this thing.”
This quickly grew into a house email chain so foul and depraved that if it ever got leaked, like the bursting of an already-weakened sphincter, the wave of shit would eradicate our chapter from the face of the Earth. It was beautiful.
On the night of the party, we had all 20 of our guys dressed in our best suits and bowties. It was rough, but we compromised and got the fedora count below four. Things were off to a good start.
There was a knock on the door. The social chair opened it, and oh shit — there were girls in the house. So many girls! I turned the charm all the way up to 11 and started talking to as many as I could juggle. It was kind of hard to get their attention though, because the girls went straight for the alcohol.
I guess the Gammas forgot to tell us it was a Disney costume function, because a lot of them were in Disney costumes. Also, there were a lot of dudes with them wearing Disney costumes as well.
“Hey,” I whispered to the social chair. “There are a lot of dudes here. Like, too many dudes.”
“How many is too many dudes?”
I stared at him.
“Any dudes, man. This is a fraternity-sorority function. Why are there other dudes here?”
One of them came up to us.
“You pledging? I’ve never seen you before.”
He killed one of the bottles of Dom we mortgaged the house for in one surly chug and smashed it on our living room floor.
“We usually don’t let pledges at these things, but fuck it. Let’s have a good time. You!“ he roared at me, “Go get me another drink, Pledge Bitch.”
Then he staggered off with two of the girls.
I spotted the sorority social chair talking on her phone by the door.
“You girls having a good time?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“Oh yes! You guys are so nice! We invited Alpha Lambda over. You’re such sweethearts! Thanks!”
Another one of the Alpha Lambda guys tapped me roughly on the shoulder.
“Hey! Who do you know here?” the guy bellowed.
I decided to cut out before I got into some shit I couldn’t finish. Fuck it. I was going upstairs to get blind drunk and watch YouTube videos.
That’s when I saw her.
She was dressed as a slutty Belle, her brown hair curling up like a climbing flower to crown her smooth, flawless face. She leaned in, her hips shifting in her skintight yellow dress and making her boobs push forward, already only barely contained by the stretching elastic fabric. She put her hand on my butt and pulled me in until her ruby-painted lips were brushed against my ear. I could feel the heat from her body as she breathed, a single bead of sweat trickling from her neck down in between her cleavage. I watched it the whole way down.
She whispered, “You have a penis, right?”
I could feel her pert nipples poking through two shirts as the warm mass of her boobs pressed softly against my upper chest. If you can’t tell by my over-the-top descriptions, this was a big deal for me.
“Does this shit house have any privacy, or do you nerds just jerk each other off around the fucking dinner table?”
“I have uh…a fish tank…upstairs…I mean…my fish tank, see it…you want…”
She rolled her beautiful, piercing blue eyes.
“Come on, loser.”
She grabbed my hand and started to lead me upstairs.
“Why… why is this happening to me?”
“My boyfriend is a dick. We just broke up, and I need him to see me with a puny wimp of a man so pathetic it will make that asshole’s nuts shrivel. You going to ask anymore questions?”
I shook my head.
She threw me up against the wall, her mouth seizing my lips, her tongue plunging deep inside. I surrendered as the tips of her fingers floated up my inner thigh, gently brushing the outer base of my trigger stick in a smooth circle. My blood rushed, my heart pounded. Her hand traced the edge of the elastic band of my boxers. I was rock hard and fully cocked, every muscle in my body straining to keep from going too early. Her fingers reached under the pants, skin touching trembling skin as she pressed herself against me. I felt every part of her, pushing with the force of the wall. I closed my eyes. We were inches from the door to my room.
A hideous shriek shook the house to its foundation.
“Oh shit. Somebody woke up the RA.”
Like a furious, geriatric dragon, our 55-year-old raging ballsack of a Resident Advisor raged through the house, swatting everyone in his path with a Swiffer. He really liked his sleep.
Belle was grabbed by her fleeing sisters and vanished forever into the night.
I wish I could say the same for my raging erection. I’m gonna have blue balls for the rest of my life..