Today marks my last day as a TFM summer intern. The PT Cruiser is all packed up and I’m ready to set free the kid whose TFM internship I stole by pretending to be him. I even bought (and broke in) the seat donut I will sit on for the entire 18-hour drive back to Wisconsin, due to the extensive ass bruising I sustained when I accidentally got hit by a baseball in the basement of the office while I was not getting hazed.
The work environment is great here. The snack room is well-stocked, the Golden Tee is free (for staff–I had to pay $6 per hole), and the employees are really nice! Especially that Roger Dorn fellow. He is a really genuine guy who has great hair and a well-toned torso and he definitely isn’t looking over my shoulder as I type this right now.
I’ve really had a great time interning here. Grandex is a great company and it really treats its interns right. Below are some of the highlights.
- The time I was ordered to be a human clothes rack during a Rowdy Gentleman photo shoot.
At the Rowdy Gentleman photo shoot. My intern task is to be a human clothes rack. pic.twitter.com/8cRcCw1FWy
— The DeVry Guy (@DeVryGuy) July 3, 2014
- The time the staff did the annual kidnapping of the interns and I got dropped off, phoneless, in Texas Hill Country drenched in coyote pee with meat stapled to my clothes.
- All the time I spent watching porn in the office for “column research.”
- All the time I spent in intern storage (note: this is not me, it’s TFM intern BlockParty. I was deemed “too ugly” to appear on camera).
- The time Bacon made me drink the contents of the drip pan from the vegetable drawer of an unplugged refrigerator in the storage closet.
- The time Lucky Jo drew a picture of my dream.
- The time I forgot to censor a penis in a photo and lost bathroom privileges for a week.
- The time I had to deliver snacks to everybody in the office.
— Brian McGannon (@BrianPGP) July 18, 2014
- The time I had to let the Tech Guy spit in my mouth because Ross said he’d fire me if I didn’t let him do it.
- The times when the staff would send me into the bathroom to inhale all the bad smell away after somebody took a gnarly dump.
- The time the office ran out of toilet paper and they had to use my clothes.
- All the times I whooped Bogey Wells’s ass at Golden Tee.
- The time I got kicked out of my cubicle for farting too much and had to work in the break room for my last 2 weeks.
- The time I had to work on July 4.
- All the times Dorn was a huge asshole to me.
— The DeVry Guy (@DeVryGuy) July 15, 2014
I’ll still be writing remotely during the school year, but I’m gonna miss it here. This job demands human interaction that I just don’t get while going to class at DeVry. That lack of experience is probably why I was so bad at human interaction and they all hated me here. Oh well. When I walk out the door for the last time today, I expect to look back over my shoulder and be dismissed the same way as I have been for the past month: with a bird flipped by Dorn while he tells me, “get the fuck out of here you fucking piece of shit.”
Peace out, TFM Headquarters, and #KONY2013.