High school significant others are like imaginary friends. When you’re younger, they’re the most important thing in the world, and life without them is impossible to fathom. But then you grow up and realize your relationship with them was all a massive sham you convinced yourself was a real connection.
These sudden, earth-shattering realizations will leave you temporarily devastated, but nowhere near as heartbroken as they do in the case where they’re combined — when your imaginary friend is your high school girlfriend. Not like I would know from personal experience or anything. My high school girlfriend was 100% real. Check her birth certificate. If you do, you’ll notice it says she’s from Canada, which is why you’ve never seen her. She also identifies as a vampire, which is why you’ll never see any photos of her. I know it all sounds unbelievable, but I promise you it’s the tru– DAMN IT LENNAY WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME FOR MANTI TE’O AND THEN ALSO NOT EXIST YOU BITCH?!?
But alas, we must all move on. For me, it wasn’t too difficult. With Lennay, the dome wasn’t toothy enough for my liking — my needle’s moving when it feels like my dick’s going through a mandoline slicer. For Hunter, a senior in high school who was dating an incoming college freshman, things went a liiiiiittle bit worse. When he found out his girlfriend was going out and partying like a… well, like a freshman, he went off the deep end.
You can tell how startled Hunter is by examining the flow of themes he utilizes in his text rant.
1. You’re a whore.
2. I’m about to be miserable.
3. We could’ve worked out.
4. But you’re a whore.
5. If you weren’t a whore we could’ve worked out.
6. I hope you enjoy being a whore.
7. You’re mean to me.
8. I should’ve listened to the warning signs that told me you are a whore.
9. You’re a whore.
10. I’m always right.
11. We can work out if you stop being a whore.
12. You’re a liar.
13. Stop lying.
14. Our relationship is not doing well.
15. You’re a whore.
16. You’re a whore and have always been one.
17. I wish you never liked me.
18. Our impending breakup is going to ruin me.
Damn. His girl would be crazy not to stay with him. I mean, she doesn’t want to ruin him, right?
You might not be able to comprehend what’s happening now, Hunter, but you’ll see where she’s coming from in a year when you head off to college. Trust me..
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