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Hey, Greek Life: England Hates Your Clothing

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Looks like someone’s still a little salty from those big American meanies dumping all their pwecious wittle tea into Boston Harbor.

Evening, Guvnah? Why do you make me want to hurt you, England? I want to like you so, so badly. After all, you’re responsible for 50 percent of my heritage and 100 percent of my messed up teeth. Then I run into smear pieces, such as “8 College Styles You Would Never Find In The UK.” The article serves one purpose, and one purpose only, which is to call into question the very staples of Greek Life: our clothing.

Make fun of my values? Whatever. Question my brothers? I can deal with it. Insult my Sperrys–MY PRECIOUS SPERRYS–and I will personally see to it that Mel Gibson singlehandedly defeats your empire with no more than the American flag…again.


What can only be described as a horrendous take on ‘jesus’ sandals, these monstrosities really take the biscuit. They’re classified as ‘hiking’ sandals, yet nearly every college student wears them casually on a daily basis.

Note the lack of capitalizing our Savior’s name. Oh, you passive aggressive British doofuses.

I actually don’t have a problem with the Limeys putting Chacos on blast. Okay, Redcoats. What else ya got?

Oversized T-shirts

Brace yourselves when coming to an American college campus, you’ll be surrounded by swarms of girls wearing men’s fit t-shirts like dresses – covering their running shorts. Who got the memo that we missed? You suddenly feel conscious that you’re not also wearing a baggy top; you want that breezy freedom too.

The subject line on that memo reads “BECAUSE COMFY.” Upon reading that shacker shirts are a no-go in England, millions of American sorority girls just can’t evened. I can’t say I blame them, either. If I’m a girl–judging by my love for “The Bachelor,” it’s within the realm of possibility–and I have the option of waltzing around campus all day wearing nothing more than a T-shirt, I would, too.

Sunglass Straps

These new age man necklaces are a key fashion item in American universities. They’re good practically because they allow you to not lose your sunglasses, the only downside is that they look a bit ridiculous (okay maybe a lot).

Croakies look ridiculous on people who aren’t 65-year-old Floridian retirees? I’d like to thank The Daily Touch for teaching me that fashion is dead. Now I’m going to have to go throw out my scores of Tommy Bahama and Members Only jackets.

Boat Shoes

Boat shoes are worn with everything it seems, apart from socks. They are worn everywhere and with absolutely everything, but you see no boats anywhere.

YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE. I speak for us all when I say I underwent pledging solely for the Sperrys. Brothers were like, “You’ll love the girls and the philanthropy events” and I was all like, “Yeah, yeah, that’s cool, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SPERRYS?” What a stupid argument not to wear boat shoes.

The North Face Brand

The brand at home used by avid hikers and dog walkers takes over college life in the USA. If it’s not a backpack it’s most definitely someone wearing a fleece to class when it’s 20 degrees outside. Did The North Face pay to have some sort of sponsorship deal with college kids? Whatever it is, it worked. North face is the face of college backpack life, of course.

Damn right we wear them when it’s 20 degrees out. I wear my trusty North Face when it’s five below and lesser men’s limbs are falling off from frostbite. That’s why there’s a zipper, you nincompoops. Wouldn’t know about backpacks, though. Who uses backpacks in college? That’s what pledges are for.

Nike Trainers On A Night Out

These trainers take on the role of the classic go to converse or vans shoe back in the UK. People wear them anywhere and everywhere with everything; whether they’ve worked out or not.They can even be spotted on a night on the town. To us, the simple running shoe, is to America the shoe that fits for every occasion. Erm, sorry what?! Running shoes in a club – a definite no go.

You’re grossly discounting the convenience of tennis shoes. How about you ask my colleague Bacon about how easy it is to run around in loafers at 3 a.m. in a desperate, nightly attempt to score some yeasty fat girl bush, and then get back to me.


To us Brits – a very thin fleece type version of a body warmer or a gilet. Seen with dress shirts, most likely of The North Face brand. The actual use of them is questionable. Too thin to keep warm, and not thick enough to be substantial jacket. A mystery.

Women dig the Al from “Home Improvement” look.


No American ever leaves home without one of these. They are especially handy on game day when you get a can of beer – and oh wait, it’s cold – just whip your koozie out and all your problems are solved. It’s a jacket for your drink. You can have the luxury of a cold drink and a warm hand, who wouldn’t want that?

Yeah, you want that sweet, sweet American innovation, England. Keep your World Wide Web, the telephone, and the English language. We invented shitty foam sleeves that keep our beers cold for an extra 10 minutes. Get on our level.

[via The Daily Taste]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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