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Heroic University Of Buffalo Sigma Tau Members Defeat Hapless Muggers

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Some Sigma Tau members at the University of Buffalo channeled their inner Batman this week and brought down a mugger in the streets.


We were just hanging out on the porch,” said Ryan Wood a junior at the University of Buffalo.

“And this kid walked up to us,”added Anthony Spara, while sitting on a couch with his two fraternity brothers.

“He just asked to borrow our cell phone. ‘I need to call the police. Those guys down there just mugged me.’ We looked down and we saw the two guys. So, we hopped off the porch and we started chasing them,” explained Wood.

The Sigma Tau guys confronted the muggers, and almost had to retreat when one of the criminals claimed he had a gun and would shoot them. Nobody wants to be Batman’s dad, so they backed away carefully.

But then one of the guys realized the ‘gun’ had a light that turned on when the mugger pulled it out, and was actually a large cell phone. That’s when they sacked up, dropped in, and ended that hapless thief’s night.

These three frat brothers wanted to share their story. They know they get a bad reputation in their neighborhood.

“We get a terrible rap down here,” said Wood.

“I feel like we get a bad rap just because we throw the parties that we do. But, we’re honestly not trying to harm anyone. We’re just here to help people out, have fun and get good grades,” said Spara.

A couple things instantly stand out to me in this story:

First, how many great frat stories start out with “So we were just sitting on the porch…”? Porches rule. Also low front roofs. If you have one, sit around on it with a couple brothers and adventures always come up if you wait long enough.

Second, this just confirms the bullshit stereotype that fraternity members are dangerous and bad for the community. Fraternity members are good guys who will always step in to help someone in need. More than that, fraternity men are champions of truth and justice, like our own permanent army protecting American values and the right to have a good time.

If they shot Red Dawn in a college town, that movie would have been over in five minutes because a mob of fraternity men would have risen up and kicked the crap out of the Russians with a beer in their hands.

Good job, Sigma Tau. Buffalo will sleep safer knowing you’re watching the night.


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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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