Per Herald Online, a young couple was arrested for indecent exposure (fucking) on a local public golf course, Tega Cay. Any way you draw it up, that’s just awesome.
Len Payne, our story’s protagonist, was reportedly using wood (his penis) in the middle of the 8th fairway, and Kiernan Hennessey was all about it. This is an impressive and noteworthy act for both parties involved, but it is especially awesome for Len, the young cocksman.
From Herald Online:
The links one couple went to for some alone time got them arrested over the weekend in Tega Cay.
Clover resident Dakota Len Payne, 19, and Kiernan Dunne Hennessey, 24, of Tega Cay, were arrested Sunday after police found them having sex on the eighth hole of the golf course, a report says.
According to a Tega Cay police report, a resident called a little before 7:30 p.m. Sunday after seeing two people lying on the fairway.
The resident told police he thought there may be some medical situation, but after getting his binoculars and looking closer, he saw the couple engaged in a sex act.
Another pair of witnesses later told police they saw the couple from the tee box, but initially thought them to be a deer on the fairway.
Here are my reasons why Len and all young adults should celebrate this arrest.
1. Kiernan Hennessey Is Hot
Per the image provided by a secondary report from The Smoking Gun, young Kiernan is absolute fuel. As a 19-year-old young man, Len needs to wear this arrest as a badge of honor. If Kiernan was a mountain troll, this would be a tough pill to swallow. It would also be something you hide and masquerade for the rest of your life. But it’s not. As noted, Kiernan is fuel. Her physical appearance and oral-inducing countenance make this something young Len celebrates. She needs to be listed as a pertinent reference on his resume for years to come.
Per Herald Online, the initial phone call made to the Tega Cay Police Station was made because Len and Kiernan were “lying” on the fairway. A “medical condition” was assumed. In actuality, Len was tongue-deep in Kiernan, prostrate on the first cut of fairway grass. In such an exposed environment, the fact that Len still took the time to chow — something typically done to assuage lady nerves — speaks to his character. Chivalry is alive and well.
3. The Arresting Police Officers Weren’t Trying To Cock Block
Initially, I was angry that any officer of the law would make this arrest. They should have been more sympathetic, working to guide young Len’s cock, not block it (that’s my favorite line from Superbad, in case it sounded creepy out of context). But, per reports, officers instructed the young duo “multiple times” to stop what they were doing (probably anal) and clothe themselves. Too many times, police officers get a bad rap for ruining fun and not sympathizing with kids being kids. But really, in this instance, you have to make the arrest. You don’t want to, because you’re proud of Len for taking down this soft nine. But if they are just going to keep plowing in plain sight after you urge them to take it to the house, you gotta step in.
4. Police Report Vernacular
“Doggy style” actually made into the police report. That’s awesome, and a win on a lot of different levels. As you read earlier, the report notes that from the eighth tee box, witnesses initially though they saw a deer lying down in the fairway. Upon closer examination — just play through, you creeps — the witness confirmed the sexual activity. Len and Kiernan were doing it “doggy style.”
Here are a few “ifs” that need to be contemplated: if Len has good friends, can you imagine the fodder for on-course banter his buddies now have? If the police report is not visually presented to every cart girl or lady golfer they encounter by his buddies, that is a waste. If there are ever more than thirty seconds of silence on the course, a, “Hey Len, I’m in the fairway… Don’t try to fuck me” will always play. If Len wants to continue playing, his mental game needs to be on par with JT’s. If Len isn’t roasted every round, then Grizzly Adams had a beard.
6. Greatest Wedding Toast Of All Time
I hope Len and Kiernan stay together. We are not given enough information to surmise the actual status of these two, but basic deduction notes that they would have to have been pretty familiar with one another to do what they did. One night stands happen, and Tinder can get wild, but plain-sight fucking after an accurate tee shot requires substantive comfortability. If the best man’s rehearsal toast does not begin with a, “I knew Len and Kiernan were perfect for each other when they were arrested on their first date for fairway fucking,” then that appointment needs to be rethought.
7. The Notebook
Please forward this information/police report to Nick Sparks and his people if able.
Tip of the cap, Len. I’m giving you every putt inside ten feet if we ever play a round; you’ve earned it..
[via Herald Online]
Image via Shutterstock