Moms worry. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing sports, driving on long road trips or dating that new girl she’s still unsure of–she is always worried something bad will happen to you. It’s on page 1 in the Mom Guide. It’s her nature, and it’s because she loves you. This becomes exponentially truer when you leave her nest for college.
She has to keep in touch with you.
Subject: My Dear Carl
Date: March 30, 2013 9:14 AM
Hi, Carl. It’s your mom again. As you know, our visit to your college and your frat was a very unpleasant one. I’d love to be able to simply put this weekend behind us, as I’ve done so many times in the recent past, but I’m not sure if it will be that easy for me this time. After “the incident,” my mind is racing a thousand miles per hour.
Carl, I’m just going to be honest with you right now. I’m very disappointed in the decisions you’ve made at college. Look, I don’t want you hanging out with your frat friends anymore, and I want you to drop out of your frat and stay away from the frat house completely from now on. Those guys seem to be a terrible influence on you. They’re despicable young men and they’re turning you into someone I don’t recognize anymore.
My sweet Carl is gone. Please find him and bring him back to his loving mother.
P.S. I’m broken. Even Baxter can’t cheer me up. 🙁
P.P.S. I love you.
Subject: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: March 30, 2013 8:24 PM
The guys were only playing around, Mom. They would never hurt Baxter.
Subject: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: March 31, 2013 8:01 AM
CARL! They bound his legs to a stick and hung him over the fire pit like some sort of twisted pig roast! And when I tried to stop them, they assured me that they weren’t joking. They said, “Carl’s mom, we’re not joking. We’ll roast Baxter.”
Oh, Carl. Who are these guys you are hanging out with? Bax was so scared!
– YOUR LOVING MOM
P.S. Bax forgives you.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: March 31, 2013 10:55 PM
There was no fire, though. Look, I’m sorry and so are they. And I’m sorry I asked you to leave as soon as you got there, but I warned you not to visit. The Baxter incident was their way of letting me know I screwed up by having you show up. It was obviously not a good time. Parents definitely can’t come to pledge lineups. If Dad knew what was going on, he wouldn’t have come.
Mom, I’m sorry about it all. I’ll make it up to you.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 8:33 AM
There’s my sweet Carl. I’ve missed this side of you, babe.
But who’s Carlos? Lol.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 11:14 AM
I can’t really go into details, but I’m Carlos now and I have to sign everything, including my school work, with the name Carlos.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 11:18 AM
Lol okay, Carlos! Sounds cheeky and fun! Maybe your frat isn’t so bad after all. Just a bunch of jokesters!
– Mom and Bax
P.S. Baxter says adios Carlos! We love you!
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 11:23 AM
Guess who just decided to bring a piñata to your frat house for your birthday next weekend!!! Hint: IT’S ME!!!!! Get it? Carlos…a piñata. Your friends will get such a kick out of this. Lol. I’M GONNA BE THE COOL MOM!
I can’t wait to celebrate my baby boy’s 19th birthday with him and all his hilarious frat friends. My boy is growing up. I’m so proud of you, Carl. Oops I mean Carlos. Jajaja.
– Tu Madre
P.S. Bax wants to come too. He loves car trips and he loves seeing YOU.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 12:58 PM
This is one of those times where I’d love to believe you’re joking, but I know better by now. Mom, you absolutely cannot bring a goddamn piñata to the house for my birthday, for fuck’s sake. Am I taking fucking crazy pills or did you really suggest bringing a motherfucking piñata to your son’s 19th birthday? I’m in college! And I’m pledging a fraternity!
I could quite literally take a violent beating by the active members if you follow through with this. I repeat. DO. NOT. MAKE. A. TRIP. HERE.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 1:04 PM
I know I didn’t raise you to use such language with your mother. I’m so disappointed in you, Carl. Your father will hear about this, young man. So will Baxter.
– Your disappointed mom
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 1:31 PM
I wish they had roasted Baxter’s little bitch ass when they had the chance.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: My Dear Carl
Date: April 1, 2013 1:32 PM
You’re a monster, Carl.