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Harvard Cancels Men’s Soccer Season After Explicit “Scouting Reports” And Assigned Sex Positions Of Women’s Soccer Team Surfaces

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I can’t stress enough how, even though people say two heads are better than one, big groups of dudes are unequivocally not smarter than one lone man. I don’t care if it’s your group of buys, your group chat, a room full of NASA nerds, and clearly not a group of soccer players from Harvard.

It’s this group mentality of idiocy that has led to the Harvard men’s soccer team coming under fire from the Harvard administration and getting the rest of their 10-3-2 season canceled. And I have to say – even though I know they’re recruited athletes – I expect more from the brains of the Harvard soccer team, because not only were they insanely dumb in getting caught, what they were writing in their “explicit scouting reports” of the incoming women’s soccer team wasn’t original in the slightest.

From The Crimson:

In lewd terms, the author of the report individually evaluated each female recruit, assigning them numerical scores and writing paragraph-long assessments of the women. The document also included photographs of each woman, most of which, the author wrote, were culled from Facebook or the Internet.

The author of the “report” often included sexually explicit descriptions of the women. He wrote of one woman that “she looks like the kind of girl who both likes to dominate, and likes to be dominated.”

Each woman was assigned a hypothetical sexual “position” in addition to her position on the soccer field.

“She seems relatively simple and probably inexperienced sexually, so I decided missionary would be her preferred position,” the author wrote about one woman. “Doggy style,” “The Triple Lindy,” and “cowgirl” were listed as possible positions for other women.

The author also assigned each woman a nickname, calling one woman “Gumbi” because “her gum to tooth ratio is about 1 to 1.” “For that reason I am forced to rate her a 6,” the author added.

“She seems to be very strong, tall and manly so, I gave her a 3 because I felt bad. Not much needs to be said on this one folks,” the author wrote about another woman.

Concluding his assessment of one woman, the author wrote, “Yeah… She wants cock.”

The “report” appears to have been an annual practice. At the beginning of the document, the author writes that “while some of the scouting report last year was wrong, the overall consensus that” a certain player “was both the hottest and the most STD ridden was confirmed

Look, I’m not condoning this kind of behavior, but if I were going to condone it, these kinds of descriptions and ratings don’t stack up. No originality points. The sexual position part doesn’t even make sense. It can’t be the position they wanted to fuck the girls in because then they’d all be labeled doggy style (have you seen women’s soccer players?). So they’re just judging their personalities based on looks and paralleling that to a sex position. Bo-ring. She looks innocent; she’s missionary. She looks like she’s from Texas; she’s cowgirl. I do have to ask: What does a Triple Lindy look like? I don’t have sex so I wouldn’t know.

Maybe I’m being rough on Harvard, but I need these reports like I need my Hebrew Natty hot dogs: held to a higher fucking authority. Calling the chick with the giant gums “Gumbi?” How about a nickname I have to put some thought into. Something like Wrigley, or Double Mint. And how can they think a girl likes to dominate AND be dominated. Can’t be both a dom and a sub; it’s science. Credit to where credit is due, though. That one guy did call that the hottest was the most STD ridden.

You would think that if you’re trying to keep these kinds of rituals secret, that getting access to them would be harder than the Russians getting access to a certain Secretary of State’s emails, but nah, these Harvard dudes did it on a publicly available platform. Be smart for me, Harvard. One time.

The document and the entire email list the team used that season were, until recently, publicly available and searchable through Google Groups, an email list-serv service offered through Google.

IDIOTS! Oh my gahd, these guys are fucking dumb. Careless, unoriginal, and really, unfathomably, dumb. They have to know what they were writing, if seen by someone not on the team, would end up getting passed up the chain of command until someone decides to punish them. How hard is it to do it in a private group message on Gmail or GroupMe. They go to fucking Harvard. Have some nerd down the hall design some new private messaging forum that isn’t publicly available to the whole world. This team deserves their season canceled, simply for being so goddamn stupid.

One final thought: How about the student newspaper ratting these guys out, huh? These fucking journos think they’re the Boston Globe Spotlight team exposing the Catholic priest child abuse scandal. Nothing kills school spirit more than getting a season canceled for a team contending for a conference title mere weeks before the postseason. Can you imagine the alumni outrage if this was the football team and the upcoming Harvard/Yale game got canceled?

Just don’t write degrading reports of women. And for fuck’s sake, don’t do it publicly.

P.S. The women’s 2012 recruiting class – you know, gumbi, the dom/sub, et al – had a really powerful op ed piece in The Crimson in response. Not going to get into it, but definitely worth the read if you’re not a women hating scumbag. It actually kind of fired me up and I just bet next month’s rent on Harvard women’s soccer to win the Ivy (which is actually the chalk play – they’re running away with the conference).

[via The Crimson]

Image via f11photo /

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Boston Max

You can usually find me romancing your older sister over at PGP (PostGradProblems)

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