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Happy Birthday ‘Merica

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235 years ago, our forefathers told King George to cram the taxes, tea and crumpets up his ass, and permanently revoked England’s charter. As a result, we are blessed with the privilege of basking in the sun as it shines upon the greatest country on God’s green earth—The United States of America.

That speech is awesome if you ignore all that nonsense about the rest of the world, but I digress. Every year on the 4th of July we celebrate our Independence Day, and every year I try and push the envelope further and further while I rage at the lake house with my family. On Saturday, things got a little out-of-hand. I blacked out around 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and then woke up after midnight on a stranger’s boat, docked at a random house. Luckily, there were still some Ameri-cans in the cooler onboard, so I grabbed a couple, regained my bearings, jumped in the lake and swam a few houses down to my place. Once I was home I took a sharpie and wrote “AMERICA” in huge letters across my brother’s forehead for leaving me to fend for myself. At that point I wasn’t tired at all, and instead of battling a hangover I decided to crush Budweisers and watch The Patriot. Mel Gibson might be bat-shit crazy, but he’s a bat-shit crazy American, dammit. The part of the movie where he offs 22 redcoats is fucking wild:

Sunday morning, my dad found me passed out on the couch with a lip in and the DVD menu screen of The Patriot still blaring full blast on the TV. He laughed when I told him I passed out on a random boat, told me I smelled like piss, and smacked me on the back of the head for drawing on my brother’s face. It was a brutal hangover, so I watched this legendary clip to restore morale:

Yeah, yeah soccer is NF. If that doesn’t make your dick move then you’re a communist. My point is no matter how hungover you might be, no matter how much more attractive the girl you woke up next to this morning seemed last night, no matter how many times you get piss-the-bed drunk and have an excruciating moral hangover, always remember this: You’re a real American, you live in the greatest country in the history of mankind, and you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Enjoy the fireworks, and God bless America.

Submit your 4th of July weekend pictures, and check out our Photos section. I’ll pick a winner to receive a ‘Merica Shirt, courtesy of

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