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Guy Brings Friend Craft Beer; Gets Knocked Out Cold

The assailant in this story is a simple man, well for a teenager, that has developed an affinity for light beer. In a valiant attempt to deter hipsters from his house party, he set a rule that prohibited any craft beers from entering the premises. He drinks light, only light, and if you bring him anything but, you will likely meet the business end of a right hook. And that’s exactly what happened to 21 year-old Antonio Inzillo after doing a favor for the 19 year-old Jeremy Kegarise. Kegarise gave his buddy $15 to go out and pick him up some beer to bring back to their little shindig. He came back with a sixer from America’s oldest brewery. Jeremy “The Keg” Kegarise was not amused.

“What type of beer did he buy?” asked Judge James T. Anthony, as Kegarise smiled and looked downward.

“He bought Yuengling (lager); he was supposed to buy light beer, judge,” responded Kegarise’s attorney, public defender John Baurkot.

Alright, on one hand, I can appreciate going with the American staple in Yuengling. It aims to please. But get your head out of your ass, Antonio. You’re buying beer for a bunch of desperate teenagers trying to get their drink on. Jeremy was probably trying to play suckface with Rebecca, and he was relying on Busch Light, Natty Light, etc. to loosen her up. What, did you expect everyone to get one craft beer? With $15, you can buy like five cases of Busch Light, or something like that.

Police say the two argued inside the house — owned by the parents of Kegarise’s friends — and pushed and shoved each other. Inzillo began walking outside to his vehicle, but Kegarise followed him and continued yelling at him, police said. Inzillo said he was hit in the back of the head and turned around to see Kegarise.

Inzillo said Kegarise grabbed his shirt and the two men began fighting. Kegarise punched Inzillo in the left side of his face and Inzillo went unconscious. His head hit the street, according to testimony, causing the fracture and a concussion.

Witnesses said Kegarise went back into the house and bragged, saying, “One hit and he was done.”

Motion to drop the charges, your honor. The Keg was clearly exercising his American right to underage intoxication from cheap beer.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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