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Groundbreaking ESPN Article Claims Tinder Makes It Easier For NBA Players To Get Laid

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In possibly the finest piece of American sports journalism of 2017, ESPN is finally asking the question that true fans want to know: Are NBA players going on the road, getting on Tinder, banging chicks, then having career games?

I read this article and got baby-punching angry that someone wasted time and got paid to write this journalistic diarrhea. The piece, published in ESPN Magazine with an excerpt posted online by The Washington Post, is without a doubt earth-shattering stuff.

ESPN Magazine via the Washington Post:

Quoting from Tom Haberstroh’s groundbreaking piece (which isn’t yet online):

Various apps have done for sex in the NBA what Amazon did for best-selling books. NBA road life is more efficient — and less taxing — when there aren’t open hours spent trolling clubs.

“It’s absolutely true that you get at least two hours more sleep getting [lucky] on the road today versus 15 years ago,” says a former All-Star, who adds that players actually prefer Instagram to Tinder when away from home. “No schmoozing. No going out to the club. No having to get something to eat after the club but before the hotel.”

You’re telling me NBA players are shooters, too? Well, fuck my ass and call me Sally. You done changed the game with this one. You’ve got my right swipe.

As a 5-foot-10, above-average-looking male (I consider myself a solid 8.2/10, an easy B+), I never realized how tough it was to be an NBA player in a club, being all 6-foot-10 and having to wine and dine these girls. Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg and everyone else who make this social media shit possible. You’re doing God’s work.

Being an athlete of any sort makes picking up chicks — online or in the club — easier than working at TFM. You realize Dan gets paid to post hot Instagram chicks, right? The only exception to this rule is when you’re Chad Kelly trying to slide into Mia Khalifa’s DMs. As the starting quarterback for Ole Miss, though, I’m sure he bounced back just fine.

I went to this journalist’s Twitter account when writing this article just to see what was up. I can’t say I’m surprised by the findings. His two most recent retweets involved stories on NBA players’ obsession with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. WashPo, I think you need to stop quoting this guy’s articles and hire him immediately. He may be your next Woodward and Bernstein. (For those not versed on journalism history, those are the two reporters who broke the Watergate scandal. You can now skip history class today. You’re welcome).

I’m half tempted to go buy this edition of ESPN Magazine to see how much paper was wasted on this investigative report. Lucky for Tom, I’ve compiled a list of what I expect his next few investigative reports will be about:

– Breaking: LeBron James Is Pretty Good
– Are NBA Teams Trying To Score More Points Than The Other Team?
– Bears — Do They Really Shit In The Woods?

Yes, bears do. Yes, athletes pull. Bumble is better anyway, ya mook.

[via Washington Post]

Image via Shutterstock

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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