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Great Moments In America Kicking Canada’s Ass

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The Winter Olympics are yet another wonderful exhibition for Americans to do what we do best:dominate. Next up on Uncle Sam’s chopping block? Our old nemesis to the north, Canada.

This week in men’s hockey, the good ol’ USA crushed the Czechs 5-2, whereas Soviet Canuckistan barely skated past the mighty Latvians 2-1. As a result, America and America’s little brother will drop the puck in a final-four game for the third time in the past four Olympics.

With a trip to the gold medal game at stake this Friday at noon, let’s take a peak back at some of the all-time great moments of America asserting dominance over those darn Canucks.

MLB Deports Expos To Puerto Rico For Shits And Giggles


The 1994 players’ strike, and consequential canceled World Series, really sent the then first place Montreal Expos franchise into a tailspin. The death nail came in 2002, when MLB took control of the failing club. Out of appreciation for all three of the team’s remaining fans, the predominately-American owners of MLB forced the club to play 22 home games in San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Shawn Michaels Screws Bret Hart

The Montreal Screwjob at the 1997 Survivor Series PPV is the most controversial story in the history of fake sports. Canadian hero and WWF champion Bret Hart was supposed to defeat his arch rival from Texas, Shawn Michaels, in “The Hitman’s” hometown of Montreal, before he dropped the title the next night in Ottawa. Vince McMahon, super-baddy ref Earl Hebner, and Michaels had other ideas.

Bruins Cause Vancouver To Burn

Hockey is everything to the Canadian species. The game is so important to Canada that those nerds even have hockey players on their “money.” This makes it so much sweeter that Canada hasn’t brought home Lord Stanley’s Cup since the Habs’ ’93 championship run. How infuriating is this dry spell for them? The last time a Canadian team reached the finals–only to lose once again to American superiority–the city of Vancouver went up in flames faster than Todd Bertuzzi’s career.

Miami Locks Up #1 Canadian Hero Bieber

Canada’s prodigal son was put in his place courtesy of the law-abiding patriots of South Beach this past Jan. 23, a date which has become a national day of mourning for all those flappy-headed Canadians.

Flutie Conquers CFL

Flutie Flakes Doug Red Box Cereal

In 1990, America sent all 180 pounds of Doug Flutie to the Canadian Football League, where he was named Most Outstanding Player a record six times. Flutie set numerous marks in most yards and touchdowns, and was the Grey Cup MVP three times. Yes, that Doug Flutie, the same guy from the amazing and tragically short-lived collector’s cereal Flutie Flakes. Doug Flutie: Proof that even American midgets are vastly superior to Canada’s most dominant athletes.

Detroit Motions To Ban Nickelback From Ruining Thanksgiving Football


When 53,000 fans of the NFL’s worst team take time out of their busy day at the unemployment line just to take to to tell you that you suck, then you really suck. As was the case in 2011, when fans of the Detroit Lions petitioned to prevent the musical pride of Canada, Nickelback, from crashing their annual Turkey Day Game.

Gretzky Takes A Kings Ransom


There are sports dynasties, and then there are the 1980s Edmonton Oilers, centered by arguably the greatest hockey player of all time, Wayne Gretzky. The Great One led the Oilers to five Cups during the Reagan decade, but, being the poor Canadians they are, the team could no longer afford his services. Accordingly, Gretzky’s rights were acquired by the Los Angeles Kings for what, in hindsight, looks like nickels on the dollar. Capitalism, fools.

USA Wins Race To Independence By 200+ Years


If you ever want to anger a Canadian, just remind them that, until 1982, they had to politely ask their rulers in England for permission to change laws. Embarrassing.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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