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GOP Candidate Pros and Cons

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So the GOP debate is tonight. You picked anyone yet? I hear the Vegas over/under on the number of times Ron Paul gets cut off by a moderator is 7.8. To help everyone understand this year’s crop of candidates, here’s a breakdown of their pros and cons.

Rick Perry

Pros: Texan. Has a signature handgun modeled after the one he used to kill a coyote while he was out jogging.

Cons: We don’t even know if he’s fucking running.


Jon Huntsman Jr.

Pros: Ambassador to China. Used to be in a rock band.

Cons: He’s a Mormon. Mormons creep me out.


Tim Pawlenty

Pros: I haven’t heard anything bad about him?

Cons: Cornbread is more entertaining to listen to than him.


Michelle Bachman

Pro: Super hot. Her crazy eyes say “I will go nuts on your dick.”

Cons: She’s absolutely batshit crazy and completely inarticulate. But you know…tits.


Mitt Romney

Pros: Executive experience. Good speaking skills. Solid charisma. Great genes.

Cons: Healthcare background and/or Mormonism.


Ron Paul

Pros: Consistency of views. Loves to party (probably). Is good at lecturing about Austrian economics.

Cons: No one takes him seriously. Is good at lecturing about Austrian economics.


Newt Gingrich

Pros: Strong moral views.

Cons: Lifestyle completely negates strong moral views.


Herman Cain

Pros: Business experience. Connections with Little Caesar’s (we can drop the deficit by serving discounted pizzas at all White House functions).

Cons: I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever heard him directly answer a question.


Rick Santorum

Pros: Um…he authored the National Weather Service Duties Act of 2005?

Cons: Every answer he’s ever given sounds like it came from a “So You Wanna Be a Republican” brochure.


I suppose we’ll know more once the debate is over and some of the “you’re not the real conservative, I am” dust has settled. Can any of them galvanize a divided party into beating Obama in 2012? Maybe. Hopefully the debate will allow us to drop the less articulate (but infuriatingly popular) candidates once everyone realizes they’re idiots. After that, maybe we can have a candid discussion of what our goals should be.

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