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Goofus & Gallant: Fraternity Edition

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Goofus & Gallant: Fraternity Edition

If you’ve spent any amount of time in a waiting room, you’ve probably stumbled across an old issue of Highlights For Kids. As a young buck, one of my favorite features in the magazine was “Goofus & Gallant,” a comic strip featuring two young men who were entangled in scenarios that required some type of difficult choice. Goofus always chose to be an idiot, while Gallant was the sparkling example of a gentleman.

Goofus and Gallant both struck me as future fraternity men, so I got to thinking about how the both of them would handle different scenarios in fraternity life.

Goofus sold his textbooks to pay his dues.
Gallant paid his dues before the semester started.

Goofus offers tequila shots to girls at a party, but gives them shots of everclear instead.
Gallant makes sure the tequila is chilled and even has day old limes in his minifridge.

Goofus skipped class this morning and missed a quiz because he was too hungover.
Gallant popped five Advil, chugged a Gatorade and made a pledge go take the quiz for him when he woke up.

Goofus drove 300 miles to meet his dealer, Hernando.
Gallant drove three minutes to meet his dealer, Larry.

Goofus threw up on himself during last night’s meeting with the pledges.
Gallant made a kid cry during last night’s meeting with the pledges.

Goofus lost $500 on slots.
Gallant hit a heater at the craps table and won $5000.

Goofus hates places that close at midnight.
Gallant always closes by midnight.

Goofus got a DUI after crashing his SUV into a Jimmy John’s storefront.
Gallant got an OTPHJ in a Jimmy John’s booth.

Goofus bought a $30 dollar hooker on the rush credit card at formal.
Gallant bought shots for the entire bar on the rush credit card at formal.

Goofus sold all of his Adderall during finals week.
Gallant bought all of Goofus’ Adderall during finals week.

Goofus needs a lawyer.
Gallant is pre-law.

Goofus broke his five iron after his approach on seven went into the hazard.
Gallant used a five iron out of the rough, cleared the hazard and put the ball on the green.

Goofus uses ones, and an old Bud Dry mirror.
Gallant uses twenties, and an iPad.

Goofus grabs the first three he sees at closing time.
Gallant works on the nine in the hour before closing time.

Goofus plays “Achy, Breaky Heart” and pulls the sambuca out of the freezer when he has a girl in his room.
Gallant plays “Wagon Wheel” and pulls out the vodka out of the freezer when he has a girl in his room.

Goofus breaks into rooms at 4:00am looking for beer.
Gallant has a padlock on his fridge.

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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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