I had the displeasure of studying abroad one semester in jolly old London, an eye-opening experience in more ways than one that served to only cement my belief that America is the only country on this planet worth living in. But more on that another time. While stranded in the overcrowded, overcast Mecca of English snobbery, I took solace in the globally-known fact that is European promiscuity. While my “American” English left much of what was discussed lost in translation, I figured “fuck me” was a universal phrase.
This was, of course, until I actually met most of our English allies. While I knew the Kate Moss “fuck braces” gap was a thing, I had no idea the Brits, even the wealthy class, treated their oral hygiene as the accidental middle child of their appearance, doing just enough to keep it alive, but in absolutely deplorable condition. They looked like corn kernels ripe with rain-soaked pollen. A distasteful combination of jagged misalignment and grotesque discoloration; it was if they belonged to a Russian MMA fighter. As much as my frock needed a release, I was scared to send my swimmers anywhere near most of those cesspools.
Which brings me, thankfully, back to my beloved homeland, where Crest runs eternal and Instagram filters have all of us looking like Jonah Hill from the Wolf of Wall Street. The way your teeth look says a lot about you, how much you value your appearance, your consistency, and your general cleanliness. It’s 2016; everybody can afford a fucking toothbrush and whitening paste. I want to see blinding porcelain gleaming from your mouth as if you’d forgotten to turn the brights off.
Working out fucking sucks, eating healthy is a massive pain in the ass, and curbing your drinking and drug habits to stay fit is unbelievably hard as shit. So, as fine fraternity gentleman, a stellar alternative is to bleach those puppies whiter than a porn star’s asshole and revel in the obligatory “yeah, but he has a great smile.”
There is much to be learned from our European counterparts. The widespread acceptance of three ways, glory holes, and extra marital affairs, to name a few. But when it comes to their deplorable hygiene habits, we need to resist like it’s 1776. A girl that can’t take care of her mouth can’t possibly be expected to maintain her body and a lack of tobacco stains means more pussy for you (they’re shallow, unlike us), so everybody wins when their pearly whites are pearly and white.
After a long while in the den of our colonizers, languishing through compulsive masturbation amidst my unwavering hygiene standards, I finally gave in to my biology with a European sex jaunt that left me disgusted and diseased. A welcome reminder of my domestic sex life, for one, but also an experience that gave me reassurance in my belief: man or woman, get your fucking teeth fixed. Don’t emulate the Brits. Unless, of course, you’re considering giving in to the complete myth that is “studying abroad is the best experience you can have.” Sure, but only if your studies consist of the anatomies of exotic females (which is far better served on vacation, not in school).
And for the record, I’m not xenophobic. Like Kenny Powers, I just know America’s the best and don’t have a problem saying it. That used to be called patriotism..
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