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We Cannot Let These Girls On Twitter Take Away Our Fortnite

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I don’t play Fortnite; I’ll leave that to my unemployed friends. I’m too busy spending my time doing more important things, like worrying about my career, working on my American Idol audition, and selling my homemade craft beer. Eventually, the fear of missing out will grow too deep, though, and I’ll start playing Fortnite months after everyone’s already over it like the late adopter I am.

From what I’ve heard, Fortnite is more addicting than cocaine, Xanax and crystal meth combined, and pretty damn dramatic, too. It’s become a national sensation, and just like with all good things, there’s someone out there trying to ruin it for everyone.

Just because I don’t play Fortnite doesn’t mean I won’t protect your right to play it with your boys until 4 a.m. every day until my dying breath. We will not let a petition signed by highlighter and markers on high school loose leaf paper end what so many love so much. You gotta fight for your right to Fortnite. Do so and history will remember you for being on the right side of history.

Interestingly, the head of this social justice protest stepped in to let us know that there was nothing to worry about.

Sure, you’re not “actually going to end” Fortnite. Then again, George Washington, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson weren’t “actually going to” start a new country; they just wanted taxation with representation. Next thing you know, they dumped a little tea into Boston Harbor. One thing lead to another and they opened up a battle royale can of whoopass and democracy. Then America was born.

Try all you want, but Fortnite is here to stay. Fortnite today, Fortnite tomorrow, Fortnite forever.

[via Twitter]

Image via Flickr

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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