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Every Girl That Claims To Love Hiking Is An Unoriginal, Lying Dirtbag

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Everyone on earth lies every once in a while. Everyone. Men lie. Women lie. Gender fluid non-binary individuals who identify as stale strawberry Pop-Tarts lie. It’s a universal thing, and it is totally normal. Is it a good thing? Well, of course not. But it is occasionally forgivable, because it’s such a common mistake to make. Some lies are just little insignificant white lies. “Yeah, I saw Avatar in the theater.” Some are lies you say to your friends to make them feel better about themselves. “Your mixtape was awesome.” Some lies are big. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And some lies are HUGE. “Wally Bryton is a great writer”.

But there is one lie that has endlessly confused the fuck out of me for the past couple of years. A giant, widespread, blatant fib that permeates our digital existences online in such a severely horrific way that it has violently spiraled into a full-blown, nationwide epidemic.

I am of course referring to the fact that every damn woman on dating apps and websites claims to love hiking. Now first off, there are tons of common little clichés that pop up on a girl’s dating profile online, but that’s okay. Tons of girls on Tinder/ Bumble/whatever else you use to try get laid these days have to constantly remind you how much they love pizza or how much they love Netflix and wine. And that’s totally acceptable because these things are probably accurate. Everybody loves pizza, everybody loves Netflix, everybody loves wine, and — most importantly — everybody loves Raymond. So that’s totally okay with me.

But statistically, with allllll these people on the internet trying to find a shallow relationship/shameful car sex claiming they love to hike all the time, a bunch of them have got to be lying. Let’s break it down for a second, think about it. Have you ever met anyone in real life that loves hiking? Anyone? Anyone at all? If the answer is yes, you’re a goddamn dirty liar and you should immediately be imprisoned for perjury. No one hikes. And the people that do hike don’t enjoy hiking. They don’t even hike because they love hiking, they hike because they hate themselves. They’re dead on the inside and they’re punishing themselves because they secretly think they don’t deserve true happiness. These. People. Need. Therapy.

So grab your calculator and let’s try to crunch the numbers. Damn near everyone on dating sites says they love to hike, but no rational human being out there in the real world would even consider hiking. I’m no mathematician, but these damn numbers don’t add up. There is a conspiracy going on here, and I’m determined to get right the fuck to the bottom of it.

So watch your back, something fishy is going on here, and I don’t like it. Next time you see a tinder profile that mentions hiking, call 911 immediately.

Image via Sara Underwood

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Wally Bryton

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