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3 Ways To Get Drunk Off A Pumpkin

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drunk pumpkin

This Halloween, you should nut up and shotgun a pumpkin.

Let me explain: the humble pumpkin, which originated in North America some 7,000 years ago, has many surprising applications for getting wasted. Here are three things you can do with your giant orange gourd that are way more fun than making another jack o’lantern and then having to make a judgment call on whether or not to stick your dick into it.

1. Ferment Some Beer

A couple weeks ago, I was at a local cider fest. In between trading sexual favors for drink tickets, I stumbled past a bank of massive gourds with metal taps driven right through like Frankenstein’s steel dick. The giant pumpkins had ABVs, tap times, and stupid names like “Pumpkin Spice Everything” and “Basic Brew” written on them in marker.

They were actually fermenting beer inside these pumpkins. On the surface, this might seem like something only hipsters and vegans would be into. But once you think about the low cost, and the difficulty of sanitizing large fermenters, you can get a lot of volume on the cheap from growing your beer basin right out of the ground. Food for thought.

2. Shotgun That Shit

Smashing pumpkins is fun and all (plus the band of the same name fucking jams out), but it would be more fun if you were smashing beers, too. A couple young innovators sent me a video of them turning their spare squash into a shotgun shell for their beer. They had a decent execution, but I think you guys can do better. Shotgunning a pony keg that’s been dropped into a full-sized pumpkin may be in order. Maybe even a pumpkin pie luge. As long as beer touches pumpkin before it touches your lips, you’re getting into the spirit of the harvest.

3. Get Weird On Pumpkin Juice

But why settle with beer? You can get a lot more mileage by fermenting the pumpkin itself. Remember what that nasty juice did to that one squirrel?

“Pumpkin brandy” only comes in at a low 40 proof, but that is pretty impressive for something you can make on your porch. Just get some wax paper, sugar, and some duct tape. Use 1 pound of sugar for every 4 pounds of pumpkin. Scalp the pumpkin, pour in the sugar, cover the hole with the wax paper, tape it down, and you’re good to let it be. Wait a few weeks, uncap, and get ready to get wrecked. Just don’t be surprised if you wake up the next morning in a pumpkin patch next to a pumpkin that looked way sexier the night before.

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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