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The Olympics provide three things: entertainment from sports we typically give zero shits about, an update on how much better America is than any other country, and a perfect place for some hot athlete-on-athlete sex. Of course, Rio isn’t exactly the safest place to score some hot nookie.
In addition to the green water and chance of getting robbed, those mosquitoes still carry the Zika virus. As we’ve been reminded time and time again for the past few months, the less itchy way to catch the virus is from a quick round of slap and tickle, which is why Rio officials made a bunch of condoms available for the athletes. Instead of putting them in a giant bowl like you’d see at your school, they hired someone to straight pass them out. Enter my boy Eric.
Get a load of that fat bag of rubbers. The man has more jimmies than an ice cream factory. This dude’s keeping his flock safer than a Volvo salesman, and for that we thank him. The last thing we need is for genetically perfect specimens to pass the nasty around like a joint at a Grateful Dead concert. Eric’s doing the Lord’s work in Rio and probably making some decent scratch while he’s at it. After the great condom shortage of London 2012, the IOC is all over the rubber game. They upped the order to 450,000 for this year’s games, so Eric is just one shining star among many. There’s a lot on the line, and luckily we have dedicated folks like him that are willing to make sure the athletes stay happy and healthy.
Eric isn’t the hero Rio deserves, but he’s the one they need right now. I hope, for his sake, that he gets to put a couple of those bad boys to use himself. If nothing else, someone should throw him appreciative neck. Keep fighting the good fight, Eric. The world needs a few good men like you..
Image via Twitter/@rodger_sherman