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I don’t know much about hacking, and I won’t be so cliche as to assume it involves some weirdo in their mom’s basement, but when celebrity phones and emails get hacked I tend to wonder “Who’s doing this?” and “What’s the point?” Sure sharing nudey pics of Scarlett Johansson with the world is as noble a cause as there could be, but at the end of the day it seems like all these assholes are really doing is flexing their cyber nuts.
“LOOK WHO I HACKED! NO ONE IS SAFE! NOTHING IS SACRED! BOW TO ME!”
Meh. These sort of hacks really aren’t that impressive. It’s not like most celebrities have terribly secure devices and email accounts anyway. I doubt Olivia Munn ever thought, “Oh shit, I’m Olivia Munn, I better lock my shit up before I send Chris Pine anymore boner exploding sexts.”
It stands to reason that the bigger the name, the more prestigious the hack, right? It’s definitely impressive to hack government websites like the group Anonymous routinely does. I’m not pro-hacking the government, but I imagine it’s no easy task. Personally I’d prefer Anonymous spend more time on Scientology, a noted enemy of the world’s angriest V For Vendetta fan club, than trying to fuck with American infrastructure. But the U.S. government is certainly the bigger fish, and I doubt Scientology is much of a challenge for the world’s most accomplished hackers. After all, the
pyramid scheme religion has “science” in their name because they believe in soul trapping aliens who fly golden space planes, not because they’re good at computers.
Still, the bigger the name the more impressive the hack, right? Actually no, I don’t think so. But that’s probably why the guy who hacked W.’s email (as well as several other members of the Bush family) did what he did.
“GEORGE BUSH! FORMER PRESIDENT! EVERYONE HATES HIM! WMDS! THIS IS JUSTICE! BOW TO ME!”
The thing is, W. is a former president. He’s not on that White House Wi-Fi anymore. He’s old and white, so my guess is he’s probably rocking an AOL account. In fact, one of the accounts that was hacked was an AOL email, that of W.’s sister, Dorothy Bush Koch. Hacking AOL? Real impressive chief. Maybe when you’re done congratulating yourself for essentially ravaging a blow up doll you can move on to infiltrating emo Xanga blogs.
Several Bush family members had their emails hacked, as well as CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz, who is a longtime friend of the Bush family. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem that any emails were found containing the subject line “Phil Simms is Retarded: Part 247.”
What was found, however, was our 43rd president’s newest post-presidency hobby. Apparently he paints. Apparently sometimes he paints self portraits. Apparently sometimes they are nude self portraits.
So W. has a sensitive side, huh? That’s nice. He can’t always be clearing brush and visiting veterans. I am curious as to why he’s so intrigued with painting himself in the shower and bathtub, not going to lie, it sort of reminds me of this:
So where does this rank on the Embarrassing Celebrity Painting Scale? It’s definitely worse than the recent facial train wreck that was Kate Middleton’s royal portrait, but nowhere near the stratosphere of terrible that is Alex Rodriguez owning a picture of himself portrayed as a centaur. Really, nothing will ever top Alex Rodriguez as a centaur.
There were of course plenty of other things stolen from the emails as well, including correspondence about W.’s father, George Sr., and his bout with bronchitis. Apparently things got so serious that H.W.’s “funeral team” was having emergency meetings. Also, George H.W. Bush has a funeral team. That’s when you know you’re an important man.
Aside from the paintings and the details of H.W.’s health problems there wasn’t much of interest stolen, which brings me back to “What’s the point?” So it seems it was just a hacker trying to show the world how big his dick is after all. But at the end of the day all I care about is getting a print of that W. shower portrait. Because if they won’t hang it in his library, I’m sure as shit hanging it in my study.
Images via Buzzfeed