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It is April, and I think everyone knows what that means. Sundress season? Good point, but not what I was referring to. Seersucker season? I don’t play by those rules. I was wearing seersucker in a snowball fight months ago. Spring season for hunting for turkey? Yes, that too. Fuck it, I’ll just tell you. It’s officer elections time. Now I’m sure that many of you have already gone through the process this year, or have experience with it in the past. Which will make this column even better for you. I have compiled a list of three typical candidates you will see during elections season, and what office they are likely running for. Everything written here is incontrovertible fact, and is backed up by years of empirical research (i.e. I watched it happen a couple of times, mostly while drunk).
The Do-Gooder (President, VP, Rush Chair, Risk Manager)
Pros- This guy is all about exactly what his name says. He wants to do good things. He loves your fraternity. He wants to see it flourish. He knows that someone will have to put in long hours of behind-the-scenes bullshit that no one will ever thank you for. He’s willing to be that guy.
Cons- He’s not going to take any risks for you. This guy is by the book. He’s completely willing to sacrifice the short term fun times in favor of stable longevity. If you want to take a few pledges down to Shreveport for a few days to be your chauffeur and butler while you live it up big with a few other brothers in the Motel 6 next to the breaking-seven-different-fire-codes shithole they call a casino in that godforsaken place…do not let the Do Gooder find out. He won’t rat you out to administration, but he will make sure that your starting spot on the intramural team disappears via some ridiculous probation.
The Try-Hard (VP, Rush Chair, Social Chair)
Pros- He’s always trying to impress you. Which means that you can influence just about any decision he makes by dropping not-so-subtle hints about what would make him “cooler” in the eyes of his brothers. Slip-n-slide fueled by unicorn semen? He can do it. Not sure why you’d want it…but it can happen.
Cons- Well, first of all he’s the guy that keeps sending fucking landscape pictures to TFM featuring his Sperry’s as the focal point of the shot. I might have enjoyed that sunset on some level if some fucker’s white-ass legs weren’t screaming for attention in the foreground. But more importantly, he doesn’t have any opinions of his own. Which means that when you’re not around to whisper truths into his ear, someone else will be. And that someone else just might be a fucking idiot.
The Party Monster (Social Chair. And nothing else.)
Pros- This dude is awesome to be around. He probably goes by an altered version of his last name (Schmiddy, Hambone, Big Murph etc). He drinks more than most people you know, but he is convinced that your party scene is still somehow lacking. He will be doing everything in his power to make sure that each event, no matter how trivial, involves a multi-platinum recording artist, every girl who rates above a 7 on looks and below a 4 on crazy in your metropolitan area, and enough beer to buy a black market monkey with the recycling money (which he will).
Cons- He will blow all of your budget. I don’t care how much your dues are, or what your house endowment is, Schmiddy Murphballs will spend every fucking dime of it, probably in the first few months of his tenure in office. Will your parties be kickass? Yeah, for a while, until you don’t even have the money to buy enough 40’s for each guest to have just one. Are the stories of the epic nights worth that level of monetary commitment? Maybe (almost definitely). Doesn’t matter though, because he probably won’t get elected. The Do-Gooders would shit themselves if he did.
Every guy who has experienced the elections process is nodding his head furiously by now. Some of you fucks got elected. Some of you didn’t, and everyone else is better off for it. If you haven’t gone through this yet, just wait. You’ll be amazed at how similar your candidates are in spite of the fact that I don’t know shit about your chapter. As for my own experience with officer candidacy? Well…that’s another story for another day.