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100-Year-Old Galapagos Tortoise Fucks His Entire Species Out Of Extinction

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diego the galapagos tortoise

You know that pickup line, “I work for the FBI and have received an order from the president to repopulate the human race,” where “FBI” stands for “female booby inspector” and “the president” is the guy’s drunk friend across the bar who won the game of odds are? This is pretty much a story of that situation come to life for Diego the tortoise.

From Daily Mail:

A sex-mad tortoise which is over 100 years old has single-handedly saved his species from extinction.

Diego has fathered 800 babies over the years, turning the tide for his species on the island of Espanola in the Galapagos islands, off the coast of South America.

‘He’s a very sexually active male reproducer. He’s contributed enormously to repopulating the island,’ said Washington Tapia, a tortoise preservation specialist at Galapagos National Park.

Damn. Homey’s out there laying wrinkly reptilian pipe like it’s the end of the world (because it almost was for his species) and I’m just sitting here wondering if I’m a zoophile because I think girls look hotter through the Snapchat dog filter. My life next to Diego’s looks like when that one drugged-out Olsen twin stands next to the slightly less drugged-out Olsen twin — it pales (and is pale) in comparison.

“Super” Diego was sent from the San Diego Zoo back to the Galapagos back in the ’70s to help bring the islands’ eponymous tortoise species back from the verge of extinction. Luckily, Diego’s craving for sex is worse than the combined car driving skills of Caitlyn Jenner, Bobby Petrino, and Ted Kennedy, and filling female tortugas up with chelonian goo has been no problem for our dude. I mean, just look at him.

He exudes sex. Diego clearly spends a lot of time in the gym doing shrugs (look at those shoulders!) and his head looks like the type of grandpa dong you’d see in a country club locker room right before the weekly early bird special dinner. I want to be Diego.

Oddly enough, it appears Super Diego’s sex drive may not be tortoise-specific, either.

From YouTube/San Diego Zoo:

“When you enter the corral, he tends to follow people, raising his head and working his mouth, as though to greet you.”

Is he trying to greet you, or is it something more sensual? Diego, you dirty fuckin’ dog.

[via Daily Mail]

Image via YouTube/San Diego Zoo

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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