With a little over a year until Karl Marx’s protégée steps down from his throne in the Oval Office, things are already heating up for the 2016 election. Hillary Clinton and her pantsuit recently announced via YouTube video that her penis very well may be the next one to be sucked by Monica Lewinsky in the White House, Ted Cruz may or may not use maple syrup as lubricant, and Bill O’Reilly jerks off to pictures of Ronald Reagan while wearing a pair of Dubya’s dirty underwear.
As the election year draws near, everyone collectively dusts off their Political Science 100 notes, watches a few School House Rock videos, and fulfills their American duty by telling people of the opposing party to go fuck themselves over social media.
Now, as entertaining as this might be, when Grandma Gertrude uses the Google to post about how Obama is the anti-Christ whose Dumbo-sized ears act as satellites to broadcast Jon Stewart and MSNBC to the masses, it becomes a little more concerning when supposed, weaned off their mother’s breast milk adults, resort to middle school caliber name-calling while hiding behind a screen of anonymity.
Go ahead. Log on to any politically affiliated page or website, either right or left leaning, and take a shot for every comment that includes any of the following keywords: libtard, republican’t, socialist/communist, bible thumper, sheep, sheeple, queers, racists, hicks, Obummer, Obozo, Obumfuck, Faux News, liberal media, Megyn Kelly’s bodacious bonkers, or anything of the like. Before you know it, you’ll be Mel Gibson level plastered and blaming the Jews for Freddy Mercury’s AIDS.
And you know what? It’s not just one side that’s perpetuating all of the hatred, either, but instead, both Democrats and Republicans are guiltier than if Aaron Hernandez and OJ Simpson became bonus characters in a special edition of Clue.
But let’s get rational here for a second, and let’s start with Republicans. Now, my political expertise goes no further than a few political science courses, so I’m a perfect example of the asshat I was describing earlier who throws out a few political talking points from lecture and maybe something Kennedy once said about what you can do for your country. That being said, I think I can confidently express that Democrats aren’t trying to turn the U.S. into Joseph Stalin’s communist wet dream where everyone gets equally oppressed. Nor are they trying to wage a war on Christians, thus turning the U.S. into a cesspool of Godless heathens. Nobody’s personally coming after your guns either, so calm down John Wayne Eastwood, and no, pro-choicers won’t be allowed to walk around with a vacuum cleaner and hanger in hand.
On the flip side, not every single thing that mentions God requires you to call for separation of church and state. I’m pretty sure that having “In God We Trust” on the dollar won’t have your kids coming home and replacing your vodka with holy water to repent for your sinful ways. Also, just because a guy is old and works in the church doesn’t necessarily mean that he likes to diddle little kids. And yes, black people are allowed to be conservative, and may be able to get accepted into schools without the help of affirmative action. No, not all Republican’s deny the existence of evolution or global warming, and hopefully most need more than just a snowball to convince them that it’s a hoax. Hopefully most also at least consider the possibility that maybe the earth might be older than just a few thousand years old as well, and that Jesus and his disciples weren’t using T-Rexes for their polo games.
But seriously, Republicans and Democrats let’s just calm our shit, okay? Every political party is just a bunch of mostly old white people who blow their money on cocaine, hookers and Viagra, so there’s really no difference between the two. This goes for you too, smaller third parties, because a lot of you are just a bunch of dirty-stached hipsters that are too underground for either major political party, and I can’t possibly respect a group that actually referred to themselves as “teabaggers.” Regardless of your political affiliation, let’s just agree that we all fucking suck, get star spangled hammered, and make more movies about killing Kim Jong Un’s fat ass..