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It’s that time of year again. The holiday season has come to a close, college towns are buzzing and fraternity men across the country are returning to their respective campuses with a fresh batch of excuses as to why they are unable to pay their semester dues. Granted, while they may have only been given six weeks’ notice, not to mention their entire winter break, to get their personal finances in order, this has not stopped them from creating an ever evolving slew of reasons as to why they cannot pay on time. Here is my personal list of favorites that I have fielded over the previous days:
1. “Money has been tight.”
Ah, the oldest excuse in the book. Sure, we all might get into tight spots in the semester where we have to opt for making our rum and cokes with Myer’s Original Dark Rum as opposed to Captain Morgan, but please, if you are going to use this excuse, do not walk up to your treasurer toting your new $1,200 Apple Watch along with your Ray-Ban Clubmasters. They do not give off the “impoverished college student look” as well as you think they do.
2. “If I pay my dues now, I will not have enough money to buy food for the week.”
First of all, shame on you for playing the emotional guilt trip card. Secondly, are you serious? Unbeknownst to most college students, there are a plethora of cost efficient food options on campus; you may have just not identified them yet. Although frequently overlooked, the campus dining hall, which you probably have a prepaid meal plan for thanks to your parents, does in fact serve food. While slightly less honorable, dipping into your roommate’s secret stash of snacks can also prove to be both nourishing and wholesome. So, while paying dues may mean that Papa John’s delivery is off the menu for a few days, the good news is that you will not have to starve completely.
3. “The dues are too high.”
No matter what number your treasurer throws out there, they will always be too high for at least one person’s liking. Remember, these dues essentially allow you to rage for an entire semester with attractive sorority girls, endless alcohol, and new gear. Once again, however, if you choose to be one of the brothers who actively lobby for lower dues, please do not try to win over your treasurer’s heart when in previous conversations you have boasted to him about how much your summer internship paid you along with the fact that your parents regularly pick up your credit card tab. No one is feeling bad for you pal.
4. “I forgot to bring my checkbook back from winter break.”
Who the hell still writes checks?
5. “I forgot they were due today.”
When the position of fraternity treasurer is listed on a résumé, the description will probably read something along the lines of “Managed and oversaw the fraternity’s annual budget, implemented accounting procedures, analyzed the financial well-being of the fraternity, etc.” This description, however, is largely, if not entirely, bullshit. A treasurer’s job really boils down to two things: reminding people to pay and then consequently, chasing after people who do not pay. You don’t forget when the money is due. We don’t let you forget.
So please, as you return to campus this spring, don’t make your treasure’s job harder than it actually is. He is already busy enough trying to hide the alcohol and substance related slush fund from headquarters while simultaneously trying to convince the school that taping a brother to a wall is a viable fundraising operation. Have a heart and pay your fucking dues!.
Now watch the treasurer lose it in this episode of Exec Board.