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Odds are that if you’re visiting this website you grew up in the 1990s, AKA the greatest decade ever. Living as a child of the 90’s you had things like Goldeneye 64, the Mighty Ducks trilogy, Space Jam and Nickelodeon in the afternoon.
Seeing as TV helped raise us as much as any parent, maid, or nanny, we may very well have learned our fratting ways from our favorite shows on Nickelodeon. These are some of the characters who helped pave the way for our future greatness.
Kirk Fogg, Legends of the Hidden Temple
Fogg was tasked with perhaps the most stressful job on the entire network, trying not to laugh at the painfully uncoordinated white contestants. Was the Shrine of the Silver Monkey really that hard to put together? Three goddamn pieces? You could tell he was holding back the laughter as he watched kids trying to cross the moat in the opening challenge. The same way we laugh at pledges as they struggle to do literally everything. It was like he almost took sick pleasure in watching kids who couldn’t get past the Steps of Knowledge or only came up with one and a half Pendants of Life. During the Temple Run, it seemed he really didn’t want those kids to get that trip to Space Camp OR the LA Gear light-up shoes. Who needs to know where the Broken Wing of Icarus actually is, anyway? Fogg was definitely FaF.
Mike O’Malley, GUTS
Before he was making terrible Time-Warner Cable commercials and being the only thing resembling a man on “Glee,” Mike O’Malley was hosting the greatest athletic competition available on afternoon basic cable television in the 1990’s. Hearing him describe the sheer awesomeness of the Aggro-Crag was enough to make your eyes water and butt hole pucker. When GUTS turned into Global GUTS, O’Malley’s clear bias for the American competitors shined through. He went absolutely nuts whenever Todd from Pepper Pike, Ohio beat out the 13-year-old ‘roided out kid from Germany by half a second on the Super Aggro-Crag. USA! USA! USA! Plus, you know he was slamming the British ref, Mo behind the scenes…
Sam Anders, Clarissa Explains It All
When he wasn’t surfing or being generally TFTC, Sam was climbing up a ladder to Clarissa’s room for what was likely an attempt at a slam. His trademark phrase, “What’s the worst that can happen?” perfectly described his (and our) views toward life. The guy climbed up a ladder to a girl’s room without her parents knowing, in grade school for Christ‘s sake. Legend. Sam definitely pulled and probably still does to this day. Not to mention he hazed the fuck out of Clarissa’s younger brother, Ferguson who, despite looking the part of a fratstar, was a total boner and was always trying to ruin Anders’ attempts at bedding an underage Melissa Joan Hart. Frat on.
Ted McGriff, Hey Dude
Ted was always trying to slam Christine Taylor, wearing avi’s, and rocking George W. Blue polos. Famous scenes include him threatening to “punch someone’s lights out” if they dared make fun of Old Glory. Ted was an American Goddamnit, and a damn good one at that. I mean, just look at this guy go to work…he gives ZERO fucks.
Ted McGriff is also the epitome of lazily named characters. I have no doubt this character got his name when the writers of “Hey Dude,” sitting around a table, decided they’d rather go out and get shitfaced than spend any more time thinking up character names. So what’d they do? Someone opened a sports section, put their finger on a box score, landed on the Crime Dog Fred McGriff, and then changed “Fred” to “Ted.” TFTC.
Ronald Foster Pinsky, Salute Your Shorts
Mr. Pinsky was always trying to take over Camp Anawanna. He was constantly at odds with his ultra geed ginger-mulletted arch-nemesis, Budnick and his bumbling, fat, sack of hot garbage sidekick, Donkeylips. No one came close to wearing the 90’s frat-swoop better than Pinsky. Between his late night runs to the girls’ bunks and hazing that geed-supreme, Sponge, Pinsky was trying to overthrow the controlling, liberal shit-for-brains camp director, Ug. Pinsky made the best out of summer camp by being a pain in the ass.
Tommy Pickles, Rugrats
First thing that comes to mind when I think of Tommy Pickles: Alpha Male. This little toddler was perhaps the smartest human being on the planet in the 1990’s. Tommy took charge, but rarely actually made plans. Every time an adventure fell before him, the kid winged it. He was TFTC. Oh, and he always won. Like I said, Alpha Male.
Andrew Pickles, Rugrats
Andrew Pickles is probably the incarnation of what every fraternity man strives to be. Loaded to the gills from his plush accounting job, married to his smokin’ hot (I mean, as hot as a cartoon can be, don’t look at me like that, fuck you), and equally loaded Charlotte. His offspring was the most spoiled brat of the bunch, Angelica. He called her “princess” and got the company suite for whenever “Reptar on Ice” was in town. “Drew” Pickles is FaF, indeed. He was always bickering with his geed brother Stu, probably about Stu’s liberal beliefs and socialist views. Frat the fuck on, sir.
Norbert Beaver, The Angry Beavers
The hilariously named show provided us with one of the most TFTC TV characters of all-time. Norbert was constantly making fun of his spastic, geed twin brother Daggett for having maladies like “gunky ear” or “stinky toe”. Norb was also an eloquent, master manipulator and obsessed with his hair. Fantastic dancer, amateur engineer, voiced by Nick Bakay (one of the most underrated football writers out there) and you’ve got the recipe for a frat legend.