You thought things at Long Island’s Traymore State University were finally cooling down? You thought wrong. For the second time this month, fraternity Phi Kappa Lambda members and their president, Toby Stevens, find themselves in hot water with the university.
School newspaper writers have reopened allegations that Stevens only won his election for fraternity president last semester due to Russian interference. As a refresher, Stevens campaigned under the platform “Make Phi Kappa Lambda Frat Again!”
The dominoes began falling when new member educator under Stevens, John McAllen, tendered his resignation to the rest of the E-board less than a month in his term. McAllen was found to have violated school policy by showing up to class drunk. Instead of getting inebriated at the hands of domestic alcohol, however, McAllen admitted that he had taken 8 shots of Stolichnaya Russian vodka. Some students called him an “alcoholic,” while fellow brothers called him “a pussy,” commenting that he should have broken 10 shots.
After that, the Russian connections kept on coming. Vice President of Risk Management Brad Silver was found to have had secret communications with a Russian mail order bride service. Silver was apparently trying to secure a Russian escort to accompany him to that fall’s date night and had been referred to a service by a friend. After meeting privately with the coordinator of the service, Silver realized that he was instead a Russian lawyer and he would not actually be meeting Svetlana from SiberianBrides.net. Silver, after being accused, released all his text conversations with the service to prove his innocence.
Stevens was personally dragged into the matter after it was discovered that he had undisclosed contact with a Russian national during the election cycle. While campaigning to earn his fellow Phi Kappa Lambda brothers’ vote, Stevens slid into the DMs of Karina Olstovsky, a Russian foreign exchange student on the tennis team. After some sub-par flirting, Stevens reportedly failed to get the phone number or Snapchat username of Olstovsky, even though he had called her a “grade A dime piece.” Stevens also said in these DMs that he wanted to give her “more than a red scare, if you know what I mean,” which is believed to be a poorly-framed Cold War reference. This history-knowledge ineptitude is not surprising, as Stevens failed his freshman year U.S. History class and likely does not know what the Cold War even was. What he lacked in history-based pickup lines, though, he gained in movie references by ending the conversation with “From Russia with love,” a 1960s James Bond film title.
Other Greek life executive members had strong reactions to the latest Toby Stevens news. President of the bottom-tier Alpha Beta Delta fraternity, Bernard Sullivan, said that Stevens “should feel the burn and resign,” followed by a fifteen minute-long list of everything the school should give his chapter for free. Former girlfriend of Stevens and former social chair of the Sigma Tau Kappa Sorority, Tori Anne Thompson, personally blamed Russia for Stevens’ win and her own loss in her sorority’s election. She ended her interview by announcing her new online blog memoir detailing the loss, in which she personally blames Stevens, Russia, Sullivan, and Dean of Student Activities Donald McDermott.
In an unrelated bit of news, a story also broke late yesterday evening that, during their time together, Thompson had called Stevens “daddy.” This was much to the chagrin of fraternity political commentators, all of whom happen to be single. When asked for comment, Greek Life Supervisor Vincent Modano replied, “Like I told you guys last time — as long as it’s not a hazing scandal I couldn’t give less of a flying fuck.”
The rest of the student body is divided. Half are calling for an investigation by the Student Government Association president, the other half are calling the collusion story “fake news.” Stevens responded by trying to fire the SGA president before being told he had no such power. The investigation is ongoing as of today..
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