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Fraternity Member On Bar Crawl Thinks Cigarette Is Only Going To Last One Bar, Miraculously Stays Lit For All Eight

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In what is being lauded as a miracle, the cigarette that Beta Delta fraternity member Kevin Markel lit at the first bar on his fraternity’s “Amputees and Manatees”-themed bar crawl last night ended up far outliving its presumed life span, staying lit for all eight stops.

“None of us could believe it,” said Markel, one of the grey oven mitts he wore on his hands to simulate manatee flippers flying off as he gesticulated. “When I asked my buddy if I could bum a square, and then reached into his pocket to grab it because he went as a double arm amputee, I never fathomed that anything like this could happen.”

Markel told TFM that he smoked about a third of the cigarette out on the patio of O’Malley’s, the bar at which he and his fraternity brothers started the bar crawl. A female, whom Markel describes as “a tall glass of water, maybe a little dash of Metamucil dropped in there because she had my insides feeling all sped up,” caught his eye, and he ended up talking to her for 10 minutes.

“I had just finished explaining to this girl that when manatees have sex, the female wades into shallow waters and is sensually banged by a number of males just as a few of my pledge brothers, also dressed as manatees, came to tell me we were moving to the next bar soon. I’ve never seen a chick run away so fast.”

Markel explains that when he looked at his still lit cigarette, the tip wasn’t nearly as close to the filter as he thought it’d be. That’s when, Markel claims, he knew he was in the presence of something special.

“I’ve chiefed a lot of boges in my day,” said Markel, “but I’ve never seen anything like that.”

Markel kept ripping this holy heater, each drag barely making a dent. Nobody is sure how, but Markel was able to smoke the same dart for the next seven stops on the bar crawl. The cigarette’s smoke streak finally came to an end just after closing time was called out at Tiki Shack, bar number eight. Markel claims he will never forget this magical night.

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” he said.

Image via John Naffziger

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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