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The insanity that is the 2016 presidential race heated up last Thursday when State student Hamilton Jebediah Chesterfield III announced his intent to run. In his own words, Chesterfield’s platform is based on “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. And tits. Show me your tits.”
The announcement came at local establishment The Gagging Clam after Chesterfield, “Ham” to those close to him, finished his seventeenth Jack and Coke of the night.
“Ham was on one of his benders and decided he was better than the rest of the current candidates. I don’t think that’s too far off. Dude just needs to stay sober long enough to like, talk and shit,” said Calvin S. Jacobs, a close friend of Chesterfield’s. The candidate’s policies include deporting the “poors,” as he calls them, legalizing narcotics such as cocaine and marijuana, and laxer laws regarding public urination and nudity.
Chesterfield made a statement following the announcement regarding border control. “We’ll just have a, gimme a minute, we’ll just have a couple guys down at the border asking them ‘Who do you know here?’ If they’re extraterrestrials or whatever we’ll tell ‘em to fuck off. If they have hot chicks and blow and can name a few people, it’s cool.” When asked about his age restricting him from running, he clarified that he’s been “21 since he was 15 and can totally pass for 35. That Cruz guy is a Canadian and they’re letting him do it. I thought this was America, the land of opportunity, you idiot.”
Support could be hard to come by so late in the race, but Chesterfield was not swayed. “If I could convince Amanda to give me an OTPHJ after I puked in her hair, I can get California to vote for me.” The candidate would not illuminate the meaning of “OTPHJ” but simply kept winking and saying “you know.”
Some conservative voters are already buzzing about Ham’s chances in grabbing delegates. Otis Johnson, a local campus police officer said Chesterfield is both charismatic and passionate. “That kid somehow convinced two of our officers that the water bong in his room was a lamp. I’d like to think the voting public is smarter than those two, but people are still voting for Hillary for Christ’s sake.” Local liberals are far more skeptical. Head of “Students Against Everything,” Krista McDonald, says Chesterfield once called her a “Wookie looking sphincter bitch” when she handed him a flyer advocating veganism. “He verbally raped me and all I did was ask if he’d spiked any drinks today. He’s so prejudiced.” Professor Albert Robins, when asked about the candidate (who is currently enrolled in his Sociology 123 class), said “Who?”
Despite his declining reputation among female voters, Chesterfield has a surprisingly open view to women’s rights. He could be heard shouting “Free the nipple!!!” as he walked to a waiting Tahoe. Whether that statement was linked to his personal beliefs or the group of female students walking past him is uncertain.
When asked for a final statement before departing, Chesterfield replied, “Get a new tie, you fucking loser.”.