ORLANDO — In a cautionary tale of overzealous spending and complete lack of self awareness, brothers of the Beta Nu Gamma fraternity at the University of Central Florida are in quite the financial bind after blowing their entire yearly budget in a losing effort courting the ladies of Eta Omicron Tau for homecoming.
Believing it was finally time to take the next step from self described “upper middle tier” to “middle upper tier,” BNΓ sorority relations chair Francis Warren convinced his chapter of 60 to swing for the fences and go all in on one of the campus’s top houses before bankrupting his organization in the process.
“We were right on the cusp of becoming a major player at UCF,” voiced a defeated Warren standing on the corner of University and Alafaya spinning a ‘We Buy Gold’ sign. “Morale was high and we were riding the momentum of a semi-final appearance in Comp-B Intramural softball and a 3rd place finish during Greek Week. It seemed like the next logical step to keep moving this group of guys forward.”
The wooing started out measured and well within the original $500 budget as Warren purchased a dozen Publix cookie cakes on the fraternity card, but quickly spiraled into an out of control splurging frenzy. The Eta Tau house was turned into a life spa with masseuses and nail technicians setting up shop in their chapter room around the clock. Personalized Chanel handbags were given to all 212 Eta Tau members. Shuttles ran to prepaid hot air balloon rides and horseback riding lessons daily. Working with treasurer Joshua Stein, Warren re-allocated and blew $25,000 in a three day span.
“We may have gotten a little carried away,” uttered Stein as he sat in the blood bank selling plasma. “But it got to the point that we were so pot-committed that turning back was no longer an option. Plus Warren said Skyler Hoffman was asking about me. Skyler fucking Hoffman.”
“Yeah, she had no idea who Josh was,” remarked a sign-twirling Warren.
In fact, most of the women of Eta Tau didn’t seem to have any knowledge on the sugar daddy fraternity that was showering their sisters with gifts.
“Beta Nu what?” replied confused junior Lauren Anderson. “Is that like the engineering frat?”
“How cute is this bag?” exclaimed beaming new member Chelsea Simpson. “Can you believe the boys of Alpha Mu got one for every sister?”
Yes, despite only putting up a banner on the columns of Eta Tau that simply read “Dibs,” Greek Cup winner and top house Alpha Mu was getting credit for Beta Nu Gamma’s adoring actions.
“We typically jump between Eta Tau, KD, and Zeta every year to keep things fresh and interesting,” explained Alpha Mu president Bryan Jennings. “This spring just happened to be Eta Tau’s turn in the rotation. All we had to do was dust off a banner we’ve been using for the last decade and show up to their chapter meeting with our dicks in ribbon wrapped boxes. Seriously. That’s it. Bare ass and all. Do I feel bad for Beta Nu? Who is that again?”
Eta Tau unanimously voted to partner with Alpha Mu for the Fall who spent a grand total of $7 in gift wrap compared to Beta Nu who dropped a cold $125,000 over the course of a month.
Warren and Stein will answer exec board for this fiasco in the final session of the semester Sunday, though a location has yet to be set with the house currently being rented out as an Airbnb.
“Do I regret what I did?” repeated an offended Warren. “Absolutely not. I had the balls to go for it when everyone else thought we should have played it safe. But playing it safe just isn’t in my blood. It’s not in my DNA. If I played it…fuck here comes my boss. You need to leave and I need to start spinning this damn thing if I want to get paid.”.