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LUBBOCK — Despite a two year dry spell and absolutely no prospects to be accounted for, super senior Tommy “Tubs” Taylor was overheard making several bold proclamations in the halls of the Beta Gamma Omega house regarding intimate relations with a member of the female species.
Taylor has a history of talking an unjustified big game on a fairly regular basis, but after sophomores Colt Snyder and Jordan Griffin called their older fraternity brother out for his past failures, the balding, overweight, Interdisciplinary Studies major has ramped up his own hype machine.
“Jordan and I were just gassing some beers before happy hour and getting in a few games of FIFA when Tubs invited himself into our suite and asked ‘where the hoes at?'” says Snyder. “He continued to pester us about inviting over women to pregame before ultimately calling us pussies after we ignored his existence.”
Just as Taylor was on his way out the door, Griffin made the mistake of clapping back with a halfhearted comment on the pathetic state of the 5th year senior’s love life.
“The minute it came out of my mouth, I knew I fucked up,” admits Griffin. “Tubs hasn’t shut his trap since and the kid’s going to be hovering around us all night like a drone set to strike and destroy everything in his path.”
Taylor, sweating through his snug Tommy Bahama Hawaiian and matching floral pattern backwards visor, has guaranteed that he will seal the deal by last call.
“I’m totally fucking tonight,” promised a disheveled Tubs. “I’m flicking more bean than an epileptic Mexican chef in a kitchen full of strobe lights and mirrors. But for real, could you get some bad bitches over here, Griffin? I have to go crank a few out so I can last longer later.”
Tubs has since texted every effeminate sounding name in his phonebook “Hey, stranger.” Currently, not one has responded. We’ll update as the story develops.
[Update 2:32 A.M.]
Taylor was spotted, alone, passed out in a Del Taco booth next to several half eaten orders of cinnamon churros and caramel cheesecake bites. Restaurant employees have not contacted authorities or even attempted to wake up Taylor out of sheer pity..