The Top House
They’re the best. At everything. Period. With an exclamation point. This type of chapter doesn’t even exist on every campus. There is no “default” Top House, a certain level of excellence has to be achieved to lay claim to this title. The Top House dominates at everything. They’re always at or near the top in sports, grades, rush, and philanthropy every year. They throw parties everyone wants to be at, even the people who hate them, which is basically every swinging dick not residing within their walls. They pull the hottest slams because they’re across the board handsome. Even their annoying fat legacy is the best looking fat guy on campus, and your girlfriend probably blew him on one of her more regrettable nights. It’s because the women LOVE them. It’s impossible for a girl to go to this house and not get wet, although there’s a 50% chance that moisture will be concentrated around her eyes. Such is the allure of the Top House.
Everyone knows they haze balls, but no one has ever heard any stories about their hazing, which is kind of fucked up and scary, and helps to solidify their mystique. The guys in the house are pompous dicks, but deep down most people sort of (SORT OF) understand why they act the way they do, if only because they would act the same if they were in that position. These guys don’t brag about anything, they just know. Their rule of the campus is impressive, but at the same time seems inherited instead of earned. Hell it probably is, sixty years ago the geniuses that ran the house figured out a winning formula, wrote it down, and let the future generations coast on auto pilot while they hazed, drank, and slammed their way to and through the good life. Those men are now some of the university’s most powerful alumni by the way. The Top House’s quiet confidence, obvious yet reserved douchery, and effortless dominance makes them the most envied men on campus, a title they only temporarily relinquish if a Top 10 football team also resides at the school. And even then, not everyone can fuck the quarterback, so helllooooo Top House.
There is no such thing as quiet confidence when it comes to The Ragers, if only because to them there is no such thing as “quiet.” They don’t just want to tell you they rage, they want to skullfuck the idea directly into your brain. The members of this house carry themselves as if they all were the offspring of John Rocker and Hunter S. Thompson. Their house looks like someone turned a chateau into an Albanian brothel, and then lit the inside on fire, and then tried to extinguish said fire with beer, urine, and semen. Sorostitutes love partying with these guys because no one goes harder (or provides more free cocaine). Seriously, it’s a Goddamn blizzard at the Rager house. At least one of the members is a coke dealer, a frat Tony Montana if you will, you know, if instead of being a hardened Cuban refugee Tony Montana was a pussy white kid from the ‘burbs who would cry hysterically if he were ever arrested for dealing. When you read about a fraternity causing $10,000 worth of damage at a resort, it was these guys, on an off night. The drunker they get the less tolerance they have for things that “aren’t on fire” or are “still standing.”
The Ragers’ philanthropy is non-existent, unless you count their members deciding NOT to destroy all the valuables within 100 feet of them as an act of charity (and with them it kind of is). Their grades are mediocre at best and their rush is beyond dirty. But, if it isn’t obvious already, they give zero fucks. The Ragers are often competitive in sports, as many high school athletes are drawn to this type of fraternity.
The Ragers haze harder than anyone, but unlike the “Top House,” people have heard EVERY hazing story about them. The stories are so widespread it’s a miracle they’re still on campus. But because they are a top house they wield a decent amount of alumni power. If there’s a chapter that participates in the ever popular (although I’m not sure how it was EVER popular) elephant walk, it’s these guys. Apparently in their minds brotherhood is built one handful of penis at a time. No amount of slamming gorgeous sorostitutes will un-grab your roommate’s dick, but I’ll be damned if I can think of a better way to compensate, so slam on sirs. The Ragers are everything that is great and terrible about Greek Life at the same time. Their shitfaced antics have people laughing at them AND with them. Everyone wants to rage with them at least once because after all, no one does it better.
The Overachievers get amazing grades, have an incredible philanthropy, do well every rush, and LOVE winning Greek Week and Homecoming. They’re also huge pussies. Sure they party, after all, they’re Greek. We ALL party. But their social scene is weak compared to other houses, even some middle tier fraternities. The Overachievers are the house that truly, 100% buys into the standard PR spiel that fraternities and Greek Life offices jack off to our critics. Their existence can often be obnoxious to members of other fraternities, but sororities LOVE them. After all The Overachievers are nice guys, and they’re easy to work with during competitions and philanthropies. For girls that can be a nice change of pace from the drunken rage toddlers they are accustomed to dealing with. These guys are what sorority girls might classify as “husband” material. Of course a marriage with these gents will be the type that involves things like “crazy Friday night sex,” which most likely features doggy style in the living room, but only after a towel has been put down over the carpet. Oh to be young and in love and barely deserving of a penis.
The thing about this type of house that really annoys other fraternities is that their pledgeship is basically a joke. They don’t haze much, if at all. Their pledges essentially spend eight weeks learning ritual and waiting to be initiated. Because of this their status comes off as somewhat unearned, or unjustified. But The Overachievers are in fact a necessary nuisance. They make the rest of us look good, well, better anyway. It’s because everything about them that annoys other fraternities looks good to the outsiders. If their existence makes the rest of ours a little easier, then by all means keep on keeping on (being pussies).
The Overrated House
This house might be top tier simply because they won’t stop claiming that they are. Maybe they won a flag football championship three years ago and miraculously placed top 5 in grades that same semester. Maybe they used to be a big deal on campus but slowly allowed their reputation to deteriorate due to years of shitty rush crippling sanctions. Either way, they’re convinced they are a top house, despite a fair amount of evidence to the contrary. Please for the love of God, shut the fuck up. The girls who party with The Overrated House are a mixture of reputable but ultimately middle tier sorority girls, meaning that the attractiveness of their guests is in a range as wide as some of their less desirable visitors’ waistlines. And you know what? That’s fine. You can still throw an awesome party without every single girl there being a dime, welcome to the real world. But The Overrated House doesn’t live in reality. Because of this you will only hear about the “parade of smokeshows” that raged with them that past weekend, despite the fact that, while many an attractive girl WAS there, half the slams leaving in the morning looked like battered bridge trolls. Please for the love of God, shut the fuck up.
The Overrated House hazes hard, hilariously because they overrate themselves and assume a steep price must be paid for membership. They haze hard enough to make a person wonder why any of their pledges would put up with it if the ultimate reward is a glorified middle tier house. They are still capable of great things however. Their status as a top tier house is a debatable, but not out of the question. They could still dominate most middle tiers in sports and if they ever felt like organizing themselves could probably put together a halfway decent philanthropy. Their parties are good too, just not as good as they claim they are. They aren’t image obsessed. To be image obsessed The Overrated House would have to be consciously talking up their house to absurd heights. No, instead members of The Overrated House just have their heads so far up their asses they don’t realize how stupid they sound. They buy their bullshit, and are confident in it. An image obsessed house is insecure and secretly doesn’t believe what they’re saying. The Overrated House CLEARLY does. You have a good house, NOT a great one. Enjoy it, but please for the love of God, shut the fuck up.
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