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For all the convenience that the Internet brings fraternities, there is an inherent negative effect that is becoming more obvious by the day. A disturbingly large number of you are complete idiots. You can consider this an intervention.
While Facebook groups and mass emails are a great way to plan for functions, there are a few ways these outlets are used that makes me think some of you don’t understand the way the world works these days.
There is no such thing as a “private” Facebook group. As so many instances have proven, all it takes is one moron to ruin it for everyone. If you enjoy the little things in life, like “your charter” and “not making national headlines for fucking up,” I suggest you avoid these four things in your e-discussions.
1. Naked Pictures
First of all, I’d just like to say congrats man. Some random girl in your life decided it was a good idea to offer you a permanent record of her naked body. Seriously, bravo dude. But let’s pump the brakes here and think about what you should do with this newfound shit quality nudie pic. Posting it in your fraternity Facebook group shouldn’t even be considered for a thousand reasons, but here are just a few:
A.) It could absolutely ruin your house.
B.) If you get caught, you’ll never get another hot picture from that girl again.
C.) It makes you look like you’re desperate for attention and approval, and
D.) Everybody already knows where to find Internet porn.
If you really can’t keep the blurry mirror selfie to yourself, then feel free to casually show it to friends on your phone. This alternative has a grand total of zero negative repercussions, and you can still prove to your friends that you’re not a socially incompetent needledick. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
2. Drug Deals
Come on, guys. I know some of you are blessed with collegiate stimulant prescriptions, and that without you, chances are half of the house would have flunked out of school years ago. You should feel very proud that you are personally tied to your chapter’s academic success. But for the love of all things holy, just keep it off of the Internet. People will happily buy your drugs whether you broadcast it over social media or not.
Whatever happened to just telling people “Hey, I’m selling _____?” Just as effective and 1000% percent less traceable. Even if you try to be subtle with your Facebook posts, in the worst case scenario, everyone is still going to know what you’re talking about. Typing out “Hey, I’ve got study buddies if anyone needs some,” is just as obvious as saying “OMGZ! DRUGS! HERE! COME AND GET ‘EM!!!”
The first rule of hazing? You don’t talk about hazing. The 2nd through 1000th rules of hazing? DON’T TALK ABOUT HAZING. I’m not here to judge you on the tasks you may or may not have your pledges perform, but leaving a paper trail (even a virtual one) is about as idiotic as making your associate members blast out bows and toes in the Dean’s Office parking lot.
We all know the benefits that non life-threatening hazing can accomplish, but these days, all it takes to get the long walk off-campus is the implication that you didn’t coddle your pledges like infant kangaroos. You’re smarter than this, guys. At least I hope you are.
4. Rapey Stuff
Look, Georgia Tech Phi Tau, I get it. It’s clear you just made a piss-poor attempt at humor, and hoped to encourage your brothers to socialize, but your email was one of the most idiotic things ever made public on the Internet (which is saying a lot considering Buzzfeed exists). My advice? Give proofreading a try. As you reread your email, think to yourself “If my mother read this, would she think I was a psychotic rapist that should be locked in an asylum?” If the answer that question is “Yes,” it might be time to make some revisions.
The media already loves to bash fraternities for their mere existence every opportunity they get. All it takes is one idiot to tarnish the pristine status that the 99.999% of us hold. Sure, we rake in millions for charity every year, but one moronic rapey email is all it takes to get every website and newspaper thinking that we’re the scum of every college campus. The best advice I can give? Think before you post or send something on the Internet. Don’t just do it for your chapter, do it for every fraternity and sorority in the nation.