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Former Pledge Disappointed Hell Week Is Over After Falling In Love With Butter Hot Dogs

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Last night’s initiation ceremony for the Rho pledge class of the Kappa Epsilon chapter of Beta Delta Fraternity ended in celebration for many pledges who couldn’t wait to complete their indentured servitude and enjoy all the benefits full brotherhood has to offer. Not everybody was happy, though. Former pledge and current JI Carl McGuinness was noticeably shaken.

“Fuck, man,” McGuinness told TFM in an interview after the ceremony. “I fuckin’ loved that shit.”

The “shit” that McGuinness refers to is butter hot dogs, a Beta Delta Hell Week staple food.

“Our Hell Week food pyramid is simple,” Pledge Master “Condomless” Cody Kenilworth said. “You’ve got butter hot dogs at the very bottom. On the tier above that, there’s Campbell’s soup cans filled with used fryer oil from a restaurant that specializes in Rocky Mountain oysters, alongside grass clippings from our front lawn. Then, all the way at the peak, you’ve got Vitamin K tablets. We originally thought Vitamin K was the one that would prevent them from catching a cold, but it ended up being the one that helps their blood clot – which turned out to be much more useful.”

Although this diet was described by Kenilworth as being “as unbalanced as a teeter totter with Oscar Pistorius’ legs on one end and one of Precious’ dumps on the other,” McGuinness enjoyed it so much that he wishes it was Hell Week every week.

“The other stuff was decent, but the butter hot dogs were just unreal,” McGuinness said. “It’s hard to explain. The softness of the butter is perfectly complemented by the softness of the bun, creating a complete lack of texture that is just dynamic. It’s soft, it’s creamy, it’s melt-in-your-mouth. It’s like taking a load from Jesus himself.”

McGuinness told TFM that he plans to make his own butter hot dogs now that they’re no longer going to be provided for him.

“They’re just that good, man. Also, unlike with real hot dogs, you actually know what’s in butter hot dogs. It’s butter.”

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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