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For Some Insane Reason, The University Of Texas Is Trying To Play A Football Game In Dubai

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The Longhorns won’t drive 90 miles to play Texas A&M, but when it comes to expanding the international brand, Texas is all about fucking over its fanbase by taking a game overseas.

The current rumor, which Texas athletic director Steve Patterson has made a priority early in his tenure at UT, is that the Longhorns are exploring an opportunity to play a football game in Dubai. As the crow flies, that’s 8,100 miles from Austin.

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Considering no Big 12 school in its right mind would agree to a conference game halfway across the globe, let’s assume this hypothetical matchup is going to be a non-conference game early in the season. With humidity at its average levels of 50-60% and highs in the mid to upper 100s in August and September, who wouldn’t want this game to happen? Sure, a player or two might collapse from heatstroke, but dying for the brand is a noble cause. You’d probably even score an hour-long primetime special on the Longhorn Network.

Former Texas head coach, and Pillsbury doughboy, Mack Brown is currently in Dubai, fostering relationships with the city for a potential football game in the near future. Alongside him is his wife, former Texas tight end David Thomas, and Patterson’s wife. It’s clearly a business trip, and one Texas is taking seriously.

Let’s check plane ticket prices from Austin to Dubai for early September of 2015, five months from now. Just with the flight, you’re at least $1,000 in the hole, not to mention the price of the game ticket, or the emergency fund you need to set up in case Dubai PD catches you holding hands with a female and sentences you to life in prison.

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Here is some important travel advice the British government encourages you to read before making the journey to Dubai:

On alcohol consumption after an inevitable, embarrassing loss:

Non-Muslim residents can get a liquor licence to drink alcohol at home. These licences are valid only in the Emirate that issued the licence. Residents must also get a permit to be able to drink in licensed venues.

Alcoholic drinks are served in licensed hotels and clubs, but it is a punishable offence to drink, or to be under the influence of alcohol, in public. The legal age for drinking alcohol is 18 in Abu Dhabi (although a Ministry of Tourism by-law allows hotels to serve alcohol only to those over 21), and 21 in Dubai and the Northern Emirates (except Sharjah, where drinking alcohol is illegal).

Passengers in transit through the UAE under the influence of alcohol may also be arrested.

On smoking…anything (emphasis mine):

Electronic cigarettes are illegal in the UAE and are likely to be confiscated at the border.

There is zero tolerance for drugs-related offences. The penalties for drug trafficking, smuggling and possession, of even residual amounts, of drugs are severe. Sentences for drug trafficking can include the death penalty and possession of even the smallest amount of illegal drugs can lead to a minimum 4-year jail sentence. The Emirati authorities count the presence of drugs in the blood stream as possession. You should take care over the import of prescription drugs, some over-the-counter drugs and certain substances known as herbal highs, such as Spice or Space, which can include synthetic cannabinoids.

Many people stop off in UAE airports on their way to other destinations. UAE airports have excellent technology and security, so transiting passengers carrying even residual amounts of drugs are arrested.

Taking a lady friend? Her burnt orange dress isn’t going to cut it. She’s going to need to bring something a little more modest, even though it’s going to be 115 degrees at kickoff:

Women should dress modestly when in public areas like shopping malls. Clothes should cover the tops of the arms and legs, and underwear should not be visible. Swimming attire should be worn only on beaches or at swimming pools.

Public displays of affection are frowned upon, and there have been several arrests for kissing in public.

And don’t even think about yelling at the ref for that terrible pass interference call:

Swearing or making rude gestures is considered an obscene act and offenders can be jailed or deported. Take particular care when dealing with the police and other officials.

So Longhorn fans, who’s excited to book their trip?

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