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Folks Who Can’t Hold Their Liquor Actually Have A Precious Gift

drunk kermit

People who can’t hold their liquor have a precious gift that they should forever cherish. They’re not some lightweight pussies, but individuals whose bodies love them and are actively trying to save them. Incredible. As a society, we tend to look down on the people who puke too easily when they drink a little too much. We tend to see them as weaker than us. We see them as little bitches who just can’t hold their dang liquor. Well. I. Beg. To. Differ.

As a matter of fact, I envy these lucky bastards. Whenever I see some plastered white girl puking her guts out after one shot of Jack Daniels at some packed dive bar on a random Friday night, I immediately become green with jealous rage.

The human body is an amazing, fascinating machine. In theory, it’s supposed to be wired with everything it can to protect us. We grow hair to keep our heads from freezing in the winter during blizzards. We have asses so, when we fall, we have a cushion to land on so we don’t shatter our butt bones. We have thumbs so we have something to point up when we like something. The human body is an interesting, incredible machine built with multiple ways to protect us until it ultimately falls apart. I’m too lazy to try to Google a list of accurate examples, but I do have one example: drunk vomiting.

Drunk vomiting is a Christmas miracle. It’s an actual life saver. It’s great for you. Drunk vomiting is, dare I say it, a gift from God herself. Did ya see that? I just said God is a woman. #Progressive #Feminism

When you vomit after drinking, that’s your body going, “Holy crap, this is way too much alcohol. We gotta get some of this out. John, press the puke button and begin the official regurgitation process.” That’s not a pussy beta move, that’s a goddamn superpower. A lame superpower, I’ll admit. Captain Pukesalot couldn’t join The Avengers unless they were REALLY desperate for diversity.

I’ve literally never thrown up from drinking. I’ll admit that obviously this is its own superpower, but it comes with its own price. If I never puke from drinking, it’s probably because my body hates me.

My body chemistry is obviously secretly trying to kill me for some reason, now that I think about it. When I take way too many shots of Fireball, instead of my stomach being like “CODE RED: LET’S GET THIS BOOZE OUT OF HERE,” it’s basically just like, “Perfect, let’s speed up this ‘dying’ thing as much as possible. Someone tell the brain to tell him to take two more shots.” Sad!

So, please, show some respect for those lucky souls who puke from booze too easily. They’re the real MVPs.

Image via Pixabay

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Wally Bryton

TFM’s most beloved writer

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