Florida Man Wearing “No, Seriously, I Have Drugs” T-Shirt Arrested For…Wait, Guess First

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A sheriff deputy inside a Florida Kmart became suspicious of John Balmer, 50, when he spotted him holding a baggie with a green, leafy substance inside it, and also because he was wearing a t-shirt that read, “WHO NEEDS DRUGS” on the top line, and right under it in smaller print, “No, seriously, I have drugs.”

I guess the deputy put two and two together and approached Balmer to investigate. Surprise! He had drugs. Balmer was arrested and booked for possession of marijuana and methamphetamine.

who needs drugs

From Tampa Bay Times:

According to an arrest report, he was in line at Kmart when a deputy walked in. Balmer saw the deputy and tried to hand a “bag of green leafy substance” to the person behind him, according to officers. That person declined to take the bag.

Balmer then walked to the cash register, put the bag on the ground and paid for his items, the report said. Another deputy approached. Store workers told him about the bag.

Deputies discovered it held marijuana and methamphetamine.

I know the most common reaction here is going to be “LOLOL what an idiot!” but I’m here to tell you that wearing this t-shirt in a densely populated area as a small time drug dealer isn’t the worst idea ever. Hear me out.

First of all, the “right under my nose” concept applies here. If you’re an officer scanning a crowded place and looking for suspicious activity when you spot a guy wearing a hat that reads “I KILL PEOPLE – No, real talk, I’ve murdered human beings before,” aren’t you thinking something like, “Okay, this guy must be some kind of jokester. No one is dumb enough to broadcast their affinity for heinous crime so openly.” Then you’d move along to others, looking for signs that someone may be handing off dime bags or for some punk high schooler with a couple beers stuffed in his chinos.

Secondly and finally, any salesman worth a shit will tell you that the ABC method is vital to their success–“Always Be Closing.” You have a product that the people want. You have to let them know somehow, and you have to let them know all the time. Always be selling, always be closing. Salesmanship 101. Plus, John Balmer is a plain looking 50-year-old dude. He looks like a dad who drinks Bud Light and drives a ’90s model Ford F-150. How else is he supposed to let the people know he slings rock?

[via Tampa Bay Times]

Image via Pasco County Sheriff’s Office

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email:

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