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Throughout your reign at the summit, occasionally you will encounter brothers that will do their best to impede your booze-aided gallivanting. Be it intentional or unintentional, these bastards will throw their agendas in your path unexpectedly, and you will have to face the crisis and persevere. It may be a brother who is just having an off night, or a repeat offender. It doesn’t really matter. At that point they’re all fucks.
1. The Crier
This poor schlub is often a repeat offender. He will most likely be drinking angrily by himself while playing video games. He refuses to leave his post until he’s supersaturated in the sacrament. At this point, he wanders the halls of the house, aimlessly looking for any poor soul who will give him the attention he so desperately craves. The story is always the same: recent breakup or failure with a sorostitute. Nothing you say can console this guy, as he is hell-bent on being Buzz Killington and will attempt to frustrate you until he eventually brings you down with him. Avoid this guy at all costs, because odds are he will be fine in the morning, and if you do try to talk him off the ledge he’ll just bring it all back up when he apologizes tomorrow afternoon for killing the atmosphere. Either way, the end result is failure, and your quest of securing another notch on the ole belt has reached its demise.
2. The Prick
This dipshit has had a bad day. A bad month. Maybe even a bad life. He is on a relentless mission to fuck up everyone’s night in any way that he can. Whether it’s knocking Solo cups out of brothers’ hands unprovoked, or telling a prominent brother’s girlfriend that she should probably start using diet drinks as chasers. Either way, this guy is an asshole, and needs a large shit taken on or around his car’s windshield. Assuming you’re the pack leader, avoiding this guy will not be an option, as your room is prime real estate for twat and he will flock to the most populated areas so he has a large audience for his belligerence. Step up to the plate and knock this shit stain down a notch or six. Choose your method wisely though, though. Physical altercations could lead to you being a bigger douche than your opponent (i.e. his goal is accomplished). However, turning the group sentiment against him could be an even bigger punch to the scrotum as he will inevitably exacerbate the situation with anything he does.
3. The Rookie
Half finished 12-pack of craft bottles, empty bottle of UV Blue, and a Sharpie tally on the hand? Yup, I smell a rookie. This guy is a great asset to the house, but not the most social of brothers. He’s genuinely nice and carries the house GPA on attendance alone, but decided to dance with the gods tonight. His consistent celebratory yelling, and reminders of how much he’s had to drink, only further prove that he is, in fact, a rookie. Although this noob can provide entertainment for an ample amount of time, his welcome eventually wears out and his hilarity vanishes into oblivion. This guy can be dealt with rather easily if identified early on. My suggestion is to pawn him off onto another brother, ideally The Prick. Good effort kid, but you’re no Henry Rowengartner. Oh and just for the record, no matter how many times you remind me that you “just want to party” with me, I’m still far more concerned about taking the most vulnerable freshman on a trip to the Cram Canyon.
4. The Stuntman
We all know who this is. This guy will try anything once. Usually a repeat nominee for “Boner of the Week,” but has some impressive plaques on his wall including “Highest Balcony Jump,” “Longest Trip in Stolen Security Golf Cart,” and “Most Times Streaking to the Admin Building.” However, he is more likely to end up on YouTube than the next season of Jackass. Speak in hushed tones around this long lost relative of the Knievel family, because once the top is popped, he is invincible. This guy usually ends the night diving through a table or smashing a bottle over his head. No matter how you slice it, a trip to the ER is usually a dead stop to all activities, solely because females tend to be a bit more concerned than us with our “rub some dirt on it” approach. Tough call on how to control him though, since most chapter houses don’t come equipped with a padded room (although they should be). My best advice is keep him on the first floor and don’t let anyone encourage him.
5. The Snake
In my opinion, this guy is the worst. He is usually not in your social circle (possibly a transfer), but mingles occasionally. In his own right he is decent at pulling ass, but does not respect the bro-code. He lays low until the time is right to pounce on an unsuspecting brother’s prey, usually dropping a subtle line about how much he loves his nieces and how close he is to his family. He takes the emotional route, since you obviously laced up your frat cleats tonight and don’t really seem to care what this girl’s name is, so long as she has a pulse and doesn’t ask for a ride home in the morning. Once he has established report with said female, he makes sure that they are nearly inseparable the rest of the night (beer pong partners, always sitting next to each other, etc). Other drunks hurt your game by ruining the mood. This dick goes straight for the jugular, with no regard for human life. He forgot one thing, though: you put the “D” in lady killing and won’t be denied. You are the better man for a reason, so flex a little on his “Music and Classics” double major and establish your dominance with a well timed make out sesh right in front of him.
Honorable Mention: The Creep, Captain One-Up, Risk Manager and Any Pledge