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Five Types of Shacker Shirts

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There could be a good reason for why you didn’t get a shirt after being on the receiving end of post-rager sex that was both impressive in the length of its duration and disappointing in its erratic and unnecessarily overzealous thrusting, that at times was so wild that the guy was danger close to an accidental forcible rear entry. Sorry, but sometimes blackout sex is sort of like trying to put a golf club back into the bag when you’re only half paying attention because you either loved or hated the shot you just took. I mean really I can only speak for myself, but if I’m a four or above on my own personal 5-stage drunk scale you should probably just get on top, for everyone’s safety…even people in the other room. If that’s the case then any respectable lady would totally be deserving of a quality shacker shirt.

However there are times when no shacker shirt is received, and sometimes there really is is a good reason that a girl won’t receive one. For example, maybe all his laundry was dirty. Which, if that’s the case, YOU SHOULD BE DOING HIS LAUNDRY SHE-SERVANT! Just kidding, but really if a girl did my laundry I’d give them like five shirts.

But the real reason a girl would get absolutely no articles of clothing the morning after is because the guy probably wants nothing more to do with her, including even remembering the hookup. Why was she a regrettable hook up? Maybe she was as big, cheap, and banged up as a ’97 Ford Taurus that a group of hobos living in an Arkansas junkyard use as a toilet. Maybe she was a total bitch who got pissed off and blue balled the guy just because he pulled out his laptop and tried to order a Domino’s pizza online, mid-pump. Sorry I multitask? I was even going to order a thin crust because I know you hate carbs! You really can’t let me spasm on top of you for 20 to 42 more minutes until I finish, pass out, or the pizza arrives and I make you go get it because I’m too drunk to walk down a flight of stairs? So inconsiderate.

Regardless of why, no shirt for the girls a guy wants to forget forever, for whatever reason.

The Completely Random T-Shirt

It’s not a fraternity t-shirt, it’s not a school t-shirt (which is more of a thing if it’s a hook up between two people from different schools), it’s just a random.fucking.shirt.

What does that mean? It means the girl probably falls into the category above but either A) Asked for a shirt either out of desperation or necessity, or B) The guy, even though he dislikes the girl, felt slightly guilty about sending the girl out into the dead of winter in a dress made for a Miami hooker even though just 12 hours earlier she herself made the decision to go out into the dead of winter in a dress made for a Miami hooker. Call me cruel, but her nipples deserve their icicle-y fate.

What’s really sad is that if the girl thinks the shirt was for anything other than functionality. For instance let’s say the guy gives his shacker some stupid Heineken t-shirt from Target that his drunk, clueless, uncle bought the guy because he figured that his nephew is in a fraternity and would think a beer shirt is cool because… BEER! FRAT! ETC! Then the girl interprets the t-shirt as representing an actual interest of the guy, as well as a sign of affection, and shows up the next night with a twelve pack of Heineken Keg Cans.

A sweet gesture, to be sure, but misinformed. She would have been better off showing up not shaped like a keg than with keg cans.

The Legit Fraternity T-Shirt

Congratulations! He doesn’t hate/regret you! You were a good lay! You were hot! He has respect for you! In all honesty I would hope the girl gives as few fucks as the guy about a one night stand, which I truly believe most do because sorority girls are much more empowered, tricky, and straightforward than people give them credit for. Regardless, this is a legitimate sign of affection, though the degree of said affection varies wildly from guy to guy and hook up to hook up.

You really know he likes you/wants the world to know he had a sweet, passionate, sweaty, cross-eyed threesome with you and a slightly more transparent version of you who was inches to the right of your actual body if he forks over a shirt with his name on it. If the shacker receives a fraternity rec softball t-shirt with a name on the back, that’s the guy giving everyone in Greek Town a blanket wink/point combo and saying, “YUP!”

The T-Shirt That’s Probably Making Fun of You

So you were given a t-shirt, but it’s a little odd. It has the fraternity letters on it, but you’ve never seen a guy in the house wear it. In fact you’ve only ever seen girls wearing it. Furthermore, all those girls, as far as you can tell, were all either sorority flag football linebackers, absolutely gorgeous, or notorious for letting in almost as many guys from that chapter as the actual fraternity house’s front door. Also maybe you’re a squirter.

Chances are the shirt has a weird, cryptic meaning. Maybe it has the fraternity letters on the front, and on the back is a number between one and ten and to stick with the jersey theme, the Greek letters (all lower case except for the first one so that you won’t figure it out until MUCH later) Pi Omega Upsilon Nu Delta Epsilon Delta are where the name on the jersey should be. If the guy had to go to a different room to get the shirt, then it’s DEFINITELY making fun of you in one way or another. Unless he’s the social chair, in which case he probably just had to reach into the cardboard box on the other side of his room labeled “For Hookers.”

Random Article of Clothing

The shacker shirt isn’t all about guys. If a girl takes a random piece of clothing from a guy, with consent (TotalFratMove doesn’t condone wardrobe rape), then it’s probably because she really likes you. It’s true, she may say something like, “Oh I like this hat, can I borrow it? My hair, like, sucks right now.” That could mean she just has messed up hair and likes you enough to ask for a hat. It could also mean, “I LOVE YOU! I WANT MY HEAD TO SMELL LIKE YOUR HEAD AND I WILL STAB ANY NON-MEDICAL PERSONEL THAT LOOKS AT YOUR PENIS! FUCK IT I’M STABBING THE NURSES TOO! YOUR COCK IS FOR ME AND DOCTORS ONLY!!!”

The random article of clothing can be a blessing in disguise if the guy likes the girl but is unsure of her intentions. At the same time though, it can be terrifying if he has no interest in ever seeing her again.

“You want my sweatpants? Um, okay…just keep them I guess.”

“No I’ll bring them back tonight.”

“No, really. Don’t…ever. Just keep ‘em…”

“Why!?! DO YOU HATE ME!?!?!”

At that point you say no, give her the sweatpants, a hat, and a Heineken t-shirt and be thankful you weren’t just stabbed. A crazy stalker is what we in the business like to call “tomorrow problems.”


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