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The year is 2013, and Facebook hasn’t been relevant to me since the first four years of the Obama administration. Since then, I’d graduated to bigger and better things, like Twitter and Instagram. That is until I was in that weird limbo between graduating high school and starting college and I got added to a Facebook page for my university’s incoming freshman class.
I log in to look at all the newbies that I’m most likely going to walk across a stage with in four to six years. Most of the posts in there are generic shit that sounds like it was written by a robot that only knows how to speak in faux-excitement clichés. “OMG can’t wait to spend the next four years of my life with you all I’m sure all 3,000 of us are gonna be the closest of friends!” Newsflash: I ended up hating like 2/3 of my graduating class.
Anyways, some of the members of this hellhole social media disaster started to stand out to me, and I bet you saw the same type of people in your incoming freshman Facebook group.
The Orientation Leader
They’re the only group of people in the page who already go to college, and most likely they’re the ones who added you to the page. You’ve probably already seen them smiling front and center on your college’s brochure. They’re unnaturally happy and peppy to the point where it’s borderline scary. Are you going to college or joining a cult? They’re gonna pretend that once you get to college you guys will be best friends (acting like orientation leader-freshman is some sorority big-little combo), but we all knew that wasn’t happening.
Possible Future Roommate
Most colleges either randomly assign you a roommate or let you pick one yourself. My college was all like, “Don’t worry, you can take an online survey so we can match you with the perfect roommate!” like it was some eHarmony shit, but I still got paired with some weird rando.
To avoid what happened to me, some people aggressively use the Facebook page to market themselves as potential roommates. There’s a more-than-likely chance you’re going into this university either solo or trying to distance yourself from your high school squad, and your goal is to try and find someone who’s even remotely close to you. Maybe you guys have some — keyword SOME — similar interests and hobbies. Maybe you’re the same major. Either way, you find a perfect balance of, “Heh, guess he’s good enough and doesn’t look like he’ll murder me in my sleep” before you request him to res-life.
Future Party Girl
Everyone marches to the beat of their own drum in college, and that’s okay. But you can tell just by looking at some people’s profile pics that they wanna be extra involved in their extracurricular activities… if you know what I mean. Everyone lets loose in college, but then there’s this chick. School hasn’t even started and she’s already using the Facebook page to ask what parties are going on during syllabus week. You click on her profile and her prof pic is something like her in her daddy’s sports car dressed in either a crop top or a bikini (who the fuck wears a bikini in a sports car?). If there’s nothing there, look at her cover picture — there’s a 500% chance it’s of her and her friends drinking in bikinis on one of their dad’s boats. Freshman year is going to be everything this chick thinks it’ll be and more, but her liver will be a desolate wasteland after four years (if she makes it that far).
High School Frat Star
A true classic. Alert IFC, because the second coming of Frat Jesus has arrived.
Like the Future Party Girl, this chump wastes no time in asking which fraternity “throws down the best” before his mother even buys him a comforter for his dorm room’s twin XL bed from Bed Bath & Beyond. He’s probably seen Neighbors with Zac Efron a grand total of once and was totally hooked on the concept. As soon as he sets foot on campus, he’s expecting booze to fall from trees and women to throw themselves at him. Just to show how serious he is, he posts a selfie of him dressed in short shorts and a Jordan Bulls jersey. Watch out, guys — he’s coming to steal your girl. He basically shows off his Sperrys like a rapper shows off a Gucci belt. Wait until rush week, when fraternities will totally be BEGGING to give a bid to this jabroni.
The Girl To Whom You Want To Lose Your Virginity
Don’t laugh, but in high school I wasn’t the dashing and charismatic fellow I am today. Back then I had the sex life of one Tim Tebow without the benefit of his athletic ability. College brings excitement, and one of the most exciting things is the thought that maybe you won’t have to rely on PornHub as much as you historically have. You scroll past Future Party Girl and think, “Yeah, I’d hit that,” but it’s when you find The Girl To Whom You Want To Lose Your Virginity that the heavens open up. You see her and it’s internet future hookup love at first sight. She’s attractive, but not in an out-of-your-league, unattainable type of way. You’re destined to meet her, sweep her off her feet, and walk hand-in-hand with her back to your third-floor dorm room for three minutes of disappointing sex that most likely wasn’t worth the inconvenience it caused your roommate. That is, until you actually met her while drunk at a party and made a complete fool of yourself..