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So last week I wrote a piece about Five People You Saw In Your College’s Cringeworthy Incoming Freshman Facebook Page, and apparently you fuckers liked it. After all, it doesn’t really matter where you go to college; you still tend to run into the same revolving cast of people. You guys found the piece “fun,” “relatable,” and “genuine” — all the things both my ex-girlfriend and the court-appointed therapist said I should be.
As time went on, though, I realized there were some colorful people I left off my last list. They deserve to have their chance in the TFM limelight, too, so here it is: five MORE people you saw in your college’s cringeworthy incoming Facebook page.
You recognize him immediately from his profile picture: him in his high school football uniform. The picture of him is one of two things: either him on his senior night with his dad next to him or a cute picture of him and his cheerleader girlfriend (who’s in the uniform, of course). You think, “Hey, he seems chill,” so you follow him on other social media. On Twitter, he criminally overuses the white-girl hieroglyphics known as emoji. His Instagram is filled with pictures of him doing high school football drills, or, as he called them, “training” and “the grind.” You finally scroll to a picture of him winning his state football group three sectional championship or some shit with the caption “#blessed.” He thinks he’s a future Heisman winner, but he’s just going to graduate as a Health Studies major.
The Social Justice Warrior
Every college has an army of them nowadays, and there’s no avoiding them. The social justice warrior is not only offended at everything, but they will go so far as to plan a rally or protest for all of it and invite you and annoy the entire page in an attempt to drum up attention. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll try to bribe you to go to their protest with food. Of course you then go; not because you support the cause, but because you’re a starving college kid.
The SJWs often talk in circles or mutter blatantly contradictory statements like, “This isn’t an anti-Trump protest, it’s an anti-hate protest! #notmypresident! Hillary 2020!” Will you see them in class? Probably not, unless it’s a safe space and there’s a dog for them to pet.
Considering 200% of all college students have at least tried weed, we’ve all run into this person. Your first encounter with them is when they post in the Facebook group if anyone is looking for “the hookup.” Almost immediately after, the overly cheery and innocent orientation group leader/page admin responds with some cringeworthy, awkward joke while saying, “This isn’t the place for that KYLE.” You click on their profile to see what they look like. They without a doubt have long, greasy hair and are wearing a hat. They’re not wearing a snapback, though; it’s like a knit cap someone would wear skiing or that you’d see on the head of a newborn bald baby. This matches the entirely-too-big hoodie that they’re also wearing. Their favorite band is, without a doubt, Green Day, Lil Wayne, or — if they’re feeling adventurous — 50 Cent. Also, I’m willing to bet money there’s no less than 20 videos of them attempting skateboarding tricks on their page.
Student Government Kid
Easily the most inspirational — and most fake — out of the people on the Facebook page. They treat every post like a campaign speech because they wholeheartedly believe that the student government association is the stepping stone to the U.S. presidency (that the SJW students will try to protest, most likely). Their parents are either rich, powerful, or both. When they write a status, it sounds like one of those fake celebrity posts where they ask questions like, “What can I do to make campus better for YOU!” I’ll give it to them, though, that they’re always very energetic and optimistic, like the human version of the wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man thing from a used car lot. This Facebook group member is easily identifiable by the fact that their profile picture is them in a suit for no reason at all. Are they at a wedding? A graduation? I don’t know; I guess that’s just part of the mystery.
Fast forward three months and freshman year is already halfway over. You started hating that roommate you met via this goddamn Facebook page around Thanksgiving break, and you also broke off your first serious college relationship (which lasted a grand total of three to four weeks). Things are looking up for the next semester, though, because you’ve found a fraternity you love and you can’t wait to start rushing.
Sometime during winter break, you check in on Facebook to see who from high school either got pregnant or failed out of their first semester of college. That’s when you see a new post on the Facebook page.
“Hey guys! I’m transferring next semester from community college! I’d love to get to know you guys! Can’t wait to be class of 2018!”
They seem nice enough, and without a doubt they’re wearing glasses in their profile picture (I don’t know why; they just always are). You think, “Hey, maybe we’ll meet up and become friends,” but you never end up seeing them or meeting them in the end..
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