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22 First Date Locations That Will Probably Get You Some Dome Afterwards

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So you got a date with that girl from Tinder that you hope isn’t catfishing you. You got a condom in your wallet just in case you get lucky (it’s a magnum, and it’s gonna be too big for you, you delusional piece of shit). And you’re thinking to yourself, “Where should I take this chick?!” Well, I’m here to help. Want some ideas for first date locations? I got you.

  1. Take her to the movies, see that new Kevin Hart movie (I don’t know if there’s definitely a new Kevin Hart movie out, but I’m guessing there is ’cause that fucker is in everything. I’m pretty sure he even played a fire hydrant in Batman v Superman).
  2. Take her to a comedy club. Sit in the front row to see if the comedian fucks with you guys. If she laughs, she can take a joke and she’s a keeper. If she’s not cool, then just leave and let the comedian fuck her.
  3. Don’t expect to take her to a comedy club to see Kevin Hart, though. My man is too busy filming Star Wars: Episode XLVII.
  4. Take her to Taco Bell. Don’t let her have too many burritos, though; she’ll get diarrhea, which will inevitably splatter all over you in a disgusting cartoonish manner when you boink her doggy style later.
  5. Sorry for that image.
  6. Just kidding, I’m not.
  7. Take her to a bar. Get so drunk that you can forget that she’s actually a fat dude named Carl who’s been catfishing your gullible ass.
  8. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
  9. Take her to a club. Show off your killer dance moves (NOTE: don’t attempt if you’re white).
  10. Take her to watch Kevin Hart film his new movie.
  11. Just kidding, jet fuel can totally melt steel beams, I don’t know how that myth started tbh.
  12. Take her to a Prince concert.
  13. Shit, never mind, I just heard some bad news.
  14. Take her a David Bowie concert instead.
  15. Shit, never mind, I just heard some more bad news.
  16. Take her to a football game and piss off white people by sitting during the national anthem.
  17. Have her come over and watch a Lord Of The Rings marathon (I heard Kevin Hart is in the 3rd one).
  18. Take her to a rest stop bathroom and doodle dicks on the stall walls together.
  19. Take her to the Disney World in Afghanistan.
  20. Take her to a theater and see a play so you guys can take a nap during it.
  21. Take her to a random man’s funeral and try to get the grieving widow to have a threesome with you.
  22. Introduce her to your girlfriend.

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    Wally Bryton

    TFM's most beloved writer

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