Fidget Spinner Porn Is Here Because God Has Forsaken Us

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fidget spinner porn

America really has a way of making strange shit trendy. From pet rocks to Silly Bandz to those pointless yellow silicon bracelets we all used to wear to truffle butter, nothing is off limits. The current flavor of the second? Fidget spinners. And as you know, if it exists, there’s a porn about it.

From Mashable:

Pornhub says that at their peak, searches for “fidget spinner” were up 282 percent over the average. They started to climb on May 10th. In the 10 days that followed, there were 2.5 million searches for videos involving the gadget. It’s been the top trending term for May and the fifth most popular overall search for the month.

Top trending term AND the fifth most popular search for May. This is more popular than that uncomfortable edging trend we saw last month, but at least that involved real human beings. Read further along in the article and it tells you that the popularity of fidget spinner porn has gone up a whopping 186 percent among 18-24 year olds. This is all the fault of you fucking creeps, and I have never felt so betrayed.

Do you need someone to talk to? How long have you had these urges? Because giving yourself the ol’ five finger shuffle while your eyes are glued to a video of two fidget spinners violently slamming into each other (or whatever this porn entails; I refuse to look it up) must be some sort of cry for help. It just makes no sense. I’ve been a Pornhub user for years now, and not once have I thought, “Man, this Lisa Ann ain’t doin’ it for me anymore. I wonder if they got any inanimate children’s playthings I can pleasure myself to.”

This needs to end. For the sake of our generation, please just go back to watching normal videos of people fucking.

[via Mashable]

Image via Shutterstock

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Swoop Johnson

I'd like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

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