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Diversifying your group of friends is key. How are people going to see you as the dynamic character you are if you surround yourself with losers who wear flannels six days a week and spend their free time aimlessly looking for objects around the house to paper mache? Answer: You aren’t. It comes down to mixing it up. Take chances on some bold dudes, even if they seem as inconsistent and unpredictable as the McRib.
For many of you, adopting these new guys will be a struggle. Instead, you’ll probably just sit on the couch and watch a copious amounts of TV, during which time you will grow attached to the characters in front of you. Sure, they can’t hear you, and yeah, I get it, they probably don’t know your name either, but these guys are friends nonetheless. Therefore, since I am unable to diversify my friend group for myself, I have compiled a list of fictional dudes whom you would be lucky to call your friends. Here are some guys I would drop my weekend plans to hang out with in a second:
Ham Porter: The Sandlot
What I would do to spend weekends with this kid. First of all, your group’s rep will instantly skyrocket under this guy. He will never back down from a fight, and will be the kid dishing out the best insults during that standoff with your rivals. He hits on ladies way out of his league, but hell, they kind of like it. He’s also just a culinary saint. You can guarantee that he will cut a game short to get home for lunch on time. Anytime you chill at his pad, the house will be stocked with pop tarts, bagel bites, Totino’s pizza rolls, you name it. Is he a little overweight? Sure, of course he is. But guess what, kids like this grow up to be absolute studs. If you don’t believe me just take it from my brother Will.
Peter Lafleur: Dodgeball
Everyone needs a Peter Lafleur in their gang. He’s the guy without a care in the word, which has both its benefits and drawbacks. “Hey Peter, can I borrow money. I probably won’t pay you back. That’s cool though right?” “Yep. Sure thing.” “Hey Peter, I kind of like your girlfriend, mind if I take her on a date?” “Go ahead bud.” No, you wouldn’t want to start a business with the guy, but you’ll gladly pop into his gym and use his facilities for free. You have to be careful with a Peter because even though you are aware of his laziness and lack of self-respect, he still somehow has a personality that people gravitate towards. Let your guard down for a minute, and the rest is history. Goals? Forget about them. You’ll be on the couch doing Mad Libs all day by his side. In his words, “I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed. And I got to tell ya…it feels phenomenal.”
Tony Perkis: Heavyweights
Let’s kick it old school with the man who made me into the excitable and unorthodox person I am today. The Tony of the group pushes you to be in peak physical condition. Right when you lean back in your recliner chair and begin to open a cold drink, he’s the guy who slaps it out of your hand and starts doing pushups like a madman. His intensity is unrivaled by any member of the group, and you have found out how to get under his skin by simply insulting his bone structure or muscle tone. Sure, if you workout with him he may cancel your lunch due to “a lack of hustle,” but that doesn’t mean there’s no place for him. Let’s face it, if you want to get in shape and acquire dangerously good hair in the process, stick with Tony.
Jesse Pinkman: Breaking Bad
I’ve come across a few Jesse Pinkman’s in my day. He’s the friend in the group who effortlessly pays for peoples stuff, covers the tab, and pops for breakfast on a regular basis. Because he doesn’t have a job, these shady money-making schemes make you wonder where all of this cash is coming from. Quickly throw that thought to the back of your mind. When the good times are rolling, you don’t question it until something goes off the tracks. An absolute wildcard. He’s the kid who, when your parents invite all of your friends out to dinner, you conveniently forget to invite. He really isn’t around all that much, but he has been a key figure in all of the epic nights with the crew. His time in the group may be short-lived, but when he’s around, things flourish.
Landry Clarke: Friday Night Lights
So what if he’s a nerd, you need a Lando Clarke in your group. Guys like him are as loyal as they come and will have your back each time you get into a sticky situation. He’s the guy who wakes up at 3am the night before a big exam to drive to the outskirts of nowhere to pick you and your buddies dressed in nothing but overalls up from a rest stop area after an Eric Church concert. He’s absolutely for the boys, and gives some of the best advice even when he knows you aren’t listening. He’s also the kid who makes the group more well-rounded, pulling everybody else’s weight when an impromptu debate on current events breaks out. His theories on girls are absurd. Yet, somehow he fails so miserably that it’s impressive, and he is able to go out with a girl you could never dream of getting close to.
Ari Gold: Entourage
You don’t know how he does it. He’ll be out with you until the break of dawn, reluctantly willing to get himself into any antics you cook up. When you open up those peepers and spill out of bed the next morning at 9am to grab a glass of water, there he is standing in the middle of the kitchen, suited up with a tray of coffees and bagels for the boys. He’s been up and at it since dawn, which is perplexing because you could have sworn he got home with you at that time. His morning has been more productive than the past six months of your life. An absolute mover and shaker, he’s been wining and dining clients since sunrise. He’s the beacon of hope in an otherwise dormant and lethargic friend group. You also love going out with him, because of all his success in the business world carries over to his social life. He gets heated in an instant, gets away with saying ridiculous things to women, and creates some great memories for all the lads to laugh about.
Chaz: Wedding Crashers
Here’s a guy who is able to make the best out of the worst of situations. I mean, the man rides his bike to the local cemetery to crash funerals in order to pick up chicks. He doesn’t see this as a sad event, but rather as a celebration of life and a time of healing by another’s side. Disrespectful? Out of line? Absolutely. But you have to respect the hustle on this guy. He’s all about the chase. Sure, you wouldn’t want to be seen with in public with him, but you’ll gladly swap stories in the living room as he sits in his robe and tells you about his latest conquering. And yeah, he lives with his mom, but the plus side to this is that she always has meatloaf ready for you to munch on. He’s got a certain charm about him, so odds are you’ll find yourself at a funeral with him, begging God not to smite you for your ludicrous behavior.
Derek: Step Brothers
No beating around the bush, guys like Derek suck. Yet, you hate him so much that you keep him around. If you hated him just a little less then you could ditch him in no time, but at this point you just have to compete with him. Ironically, he channels your hatred in a positive direction, as you are constantly working to make him look bad. He has you beat in the professional world, making over 550K last year, and the fitness world, as he hasn’t had a carb since 2004. The place you capitalize in is the social sphere, as his wife hates him and he has no time to hang with his kids because he is always catching Bonita fish with star-chef Bobby Flay. Despite all of his flaws, some good can come from keeping Derek around. He’s the friend who will bust into random song at any point throughout the day. No matter what mood you are in, you will stop what you are doing, grin, throw your arm around his shoulder, and absolutely belt the lyrics by his side. Also, he could probably hook you up with an invite to the Catalina Wine Mixer, which I’m sure plenty of mistresses would attend.
A Seth is always down to have a good time, yet never has the means or connections to make said time happen. He kills the unbuttoned short-sleeve button-up T with an interesting T underneath look, and is always rocking his best pair of cargo shorts. In general, he is a liability to bring places because of the reckless stuff he can’t contain himself from doing, however, everyone enjoys him in small doses when the mood is right. He talks a huge game about the ladies and decks himself out in the most fly clothes he can find, yet when it comes time to make moves, he chokes like the Yankees in ’04. So relatable it hurts.
Hal: Happy Gilmore
Hal’s a little bitter, but let’s face it, you would be too if you rocked such an exquisite mustache, yet were only able to use it to leverage your career as a caretaker at a nursing home. Like him or not, you have to respect what he stands for. He embodies the ideas of capitalism and the American spirit. Instead of letting old women rest in the comfort of their beds, he immediately trains them to be productive workhorses. The exploitation of such labor in order to enter the booming homemade quilt industry is truly inspirational. I mean, what an entrepreneur this guy is. Not to mention he probably doesn’t have to pay taxes for any of this. While I wouldn’t want to pull landscaping duty under him, I could utilize his business consulting.
Johnny Drama: Entourage
You will not meet a more loyal cat than this guy. I mean, if you tore your ACL he could probably feel it in his knee. He is always down to whip up some breakfast for the boys after a long night out on the town. He’ll say anything that is on his mind to girls, which usually ends up blowing up in his face, yet may create a little icebreaker for you. You have come to learn that he is a sensitive and emotional creature, and the appeal of getting him riled up over the little things has lost its spark. He is not very good at his career, but you better believe he will give 140% all the time. He’s the guy who will take a charge during warm ups of a pickup basketball game on Thanksgiving between family members, kids included.
Todd: Wedding Crashers
Let’s face it, every group just needs a flat out sketchy kid to roll with them. Todd adds that dynamic for us. You find him hilarious, and everyone not within your immediate group of friends just kind of turns a blind eye to his presence. When he is left alone in a room with a girl, things get extremely awkward and you come to find out that he said some really weird stuff and that girl will not be coming over anymore. Weirdly enough, when you go out for a night out with the boys, the stud of the group that everyone flocks towards will be withdrawn from the crowd, yucking it up with Todd in the corner. When you go over to see what is so funny, Todd will instantly tense up again and you will wonder how he was making your bud laugh. It’s mind-boggling. Also, if you are going to start a business, you need Todd on your team. If your idea goes far enough, a dynamic artist that can do absolute work with that bristle and take care of the logo and branding will need to be called upon.
Huggy Bear: Starsky and Hutch
Coolest guy on the block, hands down. Brings up the rep of your group by an immeasurable amount. Always has the flyest stuff, yet if you try to pull off what he is sporting you end up looking like an absolute Jabroni. He Uses his charm to get the inside scoop on what the ladies think of you, but won’t tell you directly. He just lays it out for y’all to play it out. He’s the guy with the connections in the group. His old man is going to talk to his golf buddies, who will hook you up with that internship you want in the Concrete Jungle before you can even say thank you. Money chases him, and not the other way around. Yeah, he get’s himself into some pretty shady stuff, but he makes sure no one lays a paw on you.
Don Draper: Mad Men
The womanizer of the group. Don’t even try to compete with him for girls, because you will leave feeling cold, alone, helpless, played, and completely absent of self-worth. Matter of fact, don’t even bring a girl you remotely care about around him, because the rest is history. You can’t really figure him out. He says some daring and downright cruel things to the ladies, and they eat it right up. Then you try the same thing and a drink gets throw in your face, followed by a hard slap to the temple. He’s a subtle genius, and can solve a problem that you have been rattled over for months with a passive one-word solution that makes you feel more enlightened than me once I figured out that denim shirts were a thing. Plus, I need an ad guy in the group to bounce my ideas off of. Draper Pierce™ — don’t sleep on that.
Tim Riggins: Friday Night Lights
If you didn’t think that Tim Riggins would crack this list, then I ask you to take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror. The dude is complex. Whether he’s out of the field or at a local saloon, Riggins is always hitting it hard. He may go a few weeks without saying anything to you, but that really doesn’t matter, because if you call him up with a pocketful of cash looking to make some memories, there is a 100% chance that he will stumble off the couch, throw on a flannel, grease back those locks of his, and be waiting on his doorstep in ten minutes. Probably the only guy in history who we could all forgive despite the fact that he slept with his paraplegic best friend’s girlfriend. He’s also got a little entrepreneur in him, starting Riggins Rigs to rival competitors within the area..
Images via YouTube