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Fat-Shaming Isn’t Real

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America is the fattest country in the world. Obviously, this is something to be proud of. We need to chomp down on greasy burgers and sip Coke until we piss an ocean of carbonated poison because that’s the American way. There’s nothing more American than excess.

That being said, there is a balance we need to find. A fine line we need to learn how to walk properly. Because yes, extreme obesity is the American way (God bless us), but we shouldn’t act like morbid obesity isn’t unhealthy and disgusting. Whenever I walk through Walmart (yes, I ball hard), I see a crowded cavalcade of giant fleshy blobs of regret, pushing shopping carts and breathing heavy like cross country runners because standing up for more 10 seconds is a workout for them.

But unfortunately, it’s 2017, and one term that a lot of internet SJW’s are throwing around is “fat-shaming.” I’d post the definition for it, but it’s pretty self explanatory. The idea of someone being shamed for being fat. It’s difficult to talk about our obesity problem head on because you’ll be accused of fat shaming.

Google those 2 little words and you’ll find plenty of wise and insightful articles, ones like “11 Offensive Phrases You Didn’t Realize Are Fat Shaming” or “What Is Fat Shaming? Are You A Shamer?” (Note: If you read that article and realize that you’re AREN’T a shamer, you need to step your game up.)

So let’s get one thing out of the way, fat shaming isn’t real. It’s fake. It doesn’t exist. It’s like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Kim K’s ass or a good post-2011 Lil Wayne song.

And I’ll be the first to admit that I love big women. I actually prefer them. Bash me all you want, but if you never click on the BBW category on porn sites you’re a clinical sociopath. Have fun choking your chicken to pictures of your own washboard abs you superficial psycho. BUT, at the same time, we need to stop acting like being big isn’t super unhealthy. Don’t embrace bigness too much, unless you wanna die at 41 of a heart attack in a Krispy Kreme parking lot.

If you see anyone on the internet whine about fat shaming, there’s 111 percent chance that they are bigger than your Aunt Linda’s minivan. Only fat people get pissed off about fat shaming. Kind of like how only homophobes get mad about gay people, or how only Kevin James watches the new Kevin James sitcom. Also, I’m not making fun of Kevin James because he’s fat, I’m making fun of Kevin James because he’s Kevin James.

So let’s stop acting like diabetes is empowering. Stop acting like every time you take your insulin you’re committing a poetic, graceful act that exemplifies what a beautiful butterfly you are. Other people with health problems don’t strut them with pride and pat themselves on the back for it.

When we talk about fat shaming, we’re telling obese people it’s okay to not take care of themselves.

So my point is this, next time you see someone overweight, shame the fuck out of them. Act like an amateur ripoff of the late great Don Rickles and roast them until they cry a river of tears that they can swim in and burn some calories. Fat shaming isn’t real. And even if it is, it’s a great hobby.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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