The wizards over in the TFM Marketing Department have a pretty interesting process for coming up with each product’s specific marketing plan. First, they all sit down in the conference room and discuss each product’s target demographic, as well as how they’d like to brand the product so that it appeals to that group. Then, they reach into a bowl full of brightly-colored pills that sits in the center of the conference room table and pick out two tablets at random. They grind them up, snort them, and then all proceed to uncontrollably yell out ideas for potential promotions for the product at the same time. Of course everybody is talking over each other at this point so no actual discourse can be had. That’s why each meeting is recorded, and the promotions are judged based on their viability at a later date.
The meeting to discuss how to market TFM’s spring break tank tops yielded the following drug-fueled, far-fetched promotion ideas that just didn’t make the cut because they’re flat-out awful.
Disclaimer: these are not live promotions from Grandex, Inc., and completing any of them is highly discouraged as it will most likely not end well for you.
1. Legalize Cocaine
1. 10% of proceeds from the sale of the “Legalize Cocaine” tank top will go towards actual cocaine… For us! Possibly more, depending on if Bacon falls off the wagon again.
2. Line-snorting contest – whoever rails the longest line wins a free tank.
3. The first 50 buyers will receive free cocaine! Just pay $10,000 for shipping and handling.
4. Your tank top will be sent to you in the stomach of an indentured drug mule, showcasing the dangers of drug illegalization.
5. Paint a picture of Dorn with nosebleed blood. The artist who paints the one that showcases his great head of hair the best gets a $50 Rowdy Gentleman gift card!
2. If Found Return To…
1. Get some Amber Alert mothers to go on camera saying “If only my child had been wearing this shirt…”
2. A free trial! All you have to do is write your fraternity house’s address on the second one, slap it on a pledge, knock him out using any number of methods, and throw him into the woods to test out if the tank top works. If he doesn’t get returned to you within one (1) week, you’ll get your money back.
3. The perfect gift for the girlfriend who is going on a different spring break trip than you! Just write your name on this tank and every guy will know not to approach her.
4. Write our company address on your shirt! The first fifteen passed out people to be dropped off on our doorstep will win $100.
5. Marker included! It’s not a permanent marker, though, so make sure no water or other liquid gets on your shirt. That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
3. Fuck Risk Management
1. Send us in a video of you and your fraternity brothers beating up your chapter’s risk manager. Each attacker will receive a 69% off promo code.
2. Show us an official citation that clearly states you used the word “fuck” in an aggressive manner towards an authority figure and get a free tank top!
3. Wearing the “FUCK RISK MGMT.” tank in your mug shot photo? Your whole fraternity gets a free tank!
4. Are you your fraternity’s risk manager? If so, we’re sorry. There’s hope, though! Send us an uncensored picture of you raw dogging a chick while she wears the “FUCK RISK MGMT.” tank and we’ll pay for your Plan B!
4. Not On Drugs
1. Cobrand with Hot Topic to appeal to the straightedge customer base that doesn’t understand that the tank top is satirical.
2. Do the same thing with DARE.
3. Send us all of your drugs to prove that you’re really not on drugs and we’ll send you a 25% off promo code. Avoid the USPS if possible.
4. Buy us drugs and we will pay you in tank tops.
5. Give us drugs for free and get a free tank top.
6. Please give us more drugs..