Every week the TFM editorial staff receives a number of column submissions that, to put it mildly, read like the musings of a drunken lunatic. Here, without a single edit, is one of those columns in its entirety. As with Fail Friday, the name of the author has been omitted to protect the guilty.
Every chapter of every fraternity has the chapter c*%$, right? She’s the girl that is ugly, annoying, rude, overbearing, wears incredibly too much makeup and never shuts her mouth when she eats. Everyone tries to avoid this girl and somehow she always ends up at your house desperately wanting to be the center of attention. Do you know who i’m talking about now? Try living with her. My roommate (one of my brothers) is dating the chapter cunt.
Let me tell you: I would rather eat my fifty year old mom’s crust pussy out before I would ever speak to this pathetic excuse for a sorority girl. She eats chips louder than the frat hound eats his Purina. She is hated by her sorority and the rest of the greek world alike. Her feet smell like she walked through a mile and a half of hippopotamus shit barefoot. And now you’re going “Why the fuck is this dude sniffing this c@*$’s feet?”. Let me tell you. My grandmother sewed me a quilt and every night I pass out on the couch I smell her swamp scented metatarsals. So what, my grandmother sewed me a quilt. Fuck you. It’s awesome.
This bitch’s jaw line is sharper than my fucking Leatherman. Her words are dumber than a fourth grader with downs. Her car started red… in 1991, now its pink. (I was unaware Honda made a transition paint job.) She always pulls the “oh, my mom doesn’t pay for my school and my dad doesn’t have much to spare, so i’m frugal. Plus my mom needs help taking care of my little brother.” then I quickly snap back with the “Oh, my dad chose to stay in school and be successful and my parents chose to stay together so my home life is pretty fucking stable.” She constantly bitches about how I smoke and drink. Fuck you, my liver, my lungs, my choice.
Last week after our pledge “activity” I returned to my residence to sit on my couch and have a drink. I’m the only person home so i decide to go for a quick jerk sesh on the living room sofa and surprise, surprise she swings the door open, looks at me and proceeds to say “Why are you here?”
“EXCUSE ME? WHY AM I HERE? BECAUSE I FUCKING LIVE HERE. BETTER QUESTION, CUM DUMPSTER, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?”
Before you judge me for yelling obscenities at a female keep in mind: I’m the only one home. HER BOYFRIEND WASN’T THERE.
Now, next time you see this two legged, flat chested, cunt wagon give her a slap on the face and be sure to remind her how bad she sucks.
Oh, and she squirts.