Fuck On Your Frat House Roof

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We choose to fuck on the roof. We choose to fuck on the roof this semester and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard…because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our frat energies and frat skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one we intend to win, and the others, too.

You know what girls can’t get enough of in guys? Spontaneity. And what is really fun and spontaneous for girls? Sex in dangerous places. You know what the most dangerous location in most fraternity houses is? You guessed it. The roof.

Alright, young buck. I’ve taken a stroll around the fraternity block once or twice in my day. You’re trying to reach the pinnacle of the college fraternity experience. You’re trying to conquer the frat world. I know what the deal is. You know what this column is about. I’m here to give you the tools that you need to launch your Apollo 11 into her Cape Canaveral on top of the frat castle.

But before you even think of embarking on this journey, you need guidance. Such an accomplishment should not, and can not, be taken lightly. There is more than one way to skin this cat. These steps are not the only way to seal the deal while looking over your college town.

Step 1: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail

In the typical nature of fraternity men, I’m sure you were thinking you could whip this guide out on your iPhone at 1:30 a.m. this weekend and bag a dime on some steeply-pitched asphalt shingles and call it a day. Well it’s not that easy.

You must scout out your roof before bringing your preferred lady up with you. Nobody wants a dead coed, and just imagine what your brothers would think if you fell off with your dick at full mast. The roof of my house is accessible from multiple places. If you haven’t figured a way onto the top story yet, ask some alumni. They’ll know the ins and outs of getting roof-side, and I’d be willing to bet they have slammed some ham up there, too.

Once you get up to the roof, check the surface. Though the tiles might seem exotic, you want to fuck on as flat of a surface as possible. The steeper the pitch of the roof, the less likely you are to get yourself off, and the more likely you are to fall.

Then, look around. Are there any fun props you can use? Perhaps an exhaust fan hood from the kitchen? Is there a desired view of frat row in front of the house? Take note of it. Girls love that shit.

Also, if you’re serious about making this happen, make sure you’ve got a “go bag” ready at all times. A beach towel, condoms, some liquor, and something to smoke after finishing is essential. Nothing ruins the mood more than having to dismount and grab something you forgot.

Step 2: Be drunk.

Your level of drunk is important for optimal roof fucking. Obviously, you’re going to be obliterated, just like any standard weekend (or weekday) night, but if you have a scarred history with one particular spirit, perhaps put it off for another night. Your double Wild Turkey with 151 floater might seem like a good idea pre roof-bang, but it’s not.

Roofs only exacerbate nausea, and it’s not like you can sneak into the bathroom, puke, brush your teeth, and head back to your girl like nothing happened. Try sticking to something more palatable, like Natty Light.

Step 3: Find a hot an interested partner.

Imagine this: It’s 1 a.m. You’re more than a dozen drinks deep when Lauren (Katie?) from Beta Phi catches your eye. She’s bubbly, acting flirtatious, and it’s obvious she’s dong-hunting as soon as that new Chainsmoker’s song comes on.

You’re wasted, wearing an ’80s thrift store jacket with combat boots, and your moves are firing up the dance floor. Becky or Lauren or whoever starts doing some bump-grinding like she’s an impoverished eastern European twerk dancer, and you desperately want to tear down that wall.

You escape the dance floor for a final drink, and after you steal a bottle from a pledge bartender, she bites her lip and gives you those eyes. She mentions how fun you are for the third time tonight. Here is your chance. She wants your package, and she’s choosing the overnight shipping option, because she wants it now.

Insist that you’ve got a fun idea you wanted to try out, but don’t tell her right away. Make it seem like you weren’t going to ask her because you think she’s too goody goody for it. Reverse psychology nearly always works when asking about sex on roofs. It’s science.

Step 4: Get up there and get it done.

Angela or Grace or whoever is now fully in the bag (metaphorically, you heathens). Now all you’ve got to do is make sure you can get it up long enough to get the roof party going. Nobody really cares if either of you finish in this instance. Once you put it in once, you did it! It’s over!

Now take out that heater. Light it up and smoke it until it burns your finger tips. Remember the beach blanket or towel you brought? It makes a perfect blanket…for one! Send Ally back towards Beta Phi with a smirk and a dirty story you know will get around to her sisters. Did she finish? Dooooooooon’t care.

Now to truly appreciate the undertaking you’ve just completed, take in the scene that surrounds you. Notice the hoards of coeds stumbling back to their respective houses, blissfully unaware of the skin-clapping penthouse party you’ve created. Notice how much better you are than them.

You can appreciate the magnitude of what you’ve just done. You can see the peons below you. You’re the Buzz Aldrin AND Neil Armstrong of your school, and you just planted your flag at the tallest point anybody can see.

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Dapper, Sharp-witted and quick to pull out a non-filtered cigarette, Ron Draper is still trying to graduate with a degree in advertising with minors in business, women's studies, viticulture and pharmacology.

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