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Honestly, Fuck Clowns

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The original film adaptation of Stephen King’s It (or technically a “TV mini-series” if you wanna be a dick about it) was a fixture of my childhood. I remember watching it in third grade after my sister rented it from Blockbuster. Rest in peace. (My sister’s not dead – I mean rest in peace to Blockbuster.) It was a campy yet entertaining three-hour ordeal of intense childhood trauma.

Rewatching the original now, it’s very corny and silly (yet STILL a classic, though!) But for a little kid, that movie is terrifying. It taught me an important lesson, a lesson that I still carry with me to this very day. And that lesson was to stay the fuck away from clowns.

For any of you uncultured swine who live under rocks to save money, It is about a bunch of dumbass kids who are stupid enough to get mixed up with a killer clown named Pennywise. Okay, if you wanna get technical, Pennywise is an evil presence that can take the form of anything but is usually in the form of a clown, but he chooses to be a clown because clowns are the worst people on the planet.

I don’t consider myself an intolerant or bigoted person. I have nothing but love and respect for every person on this earth regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or gender (even the Irish). I don’t have any prejudice or hatred for anyone. Except these fuckin clowns. We need to get rid of all the clowns, and build a wall to keep them out. And we’ll make the circus pay for that wall.

I’m a certified hardcore horror movie nerd so I saw It last night because I wanted to check it out as soon as humanly possible. I had been psyched for this movie ever since it was announced a few years ago. And I’m happy to say that this movie is beyond dope. It’s creepy, it’s fun, it’s surprisingly funny, and it has heart. I may even go as far as to call the movie a masterpiece. I have damn near no complains about it. But most importantly, this film is an important public service announcement to remind America to not fuck with these clowns.

Last year, there were tons of creepy clown sightings all across the country. Random sociopaths roaming towns late at night wearing clown masks, presumably just to make children crap their pants. Most people think clowns are creepy. The only people who AREN’T scared of clowns are clowns. If you have a non-clown friend who says they ain’t afraid of clowns, but then I god some bad news, Jeffrey, your friend is a closeted clown. Kick him out of your social circle and immediately call 911.

John Wayne Gacy was one of the worst serial killers in American history. And you know what his day job was? That’s right. A clown. Coincidence? Doubt it. Look at Heath Ledger, he gave a masterful performance as The Joker in The Dark Knight and died right after filming the movie. Some people say it was an accidental pill overdose but I beg to differ. He was killed by clowns. They were upset about the negative publicity and they wanted to send a message.

The existence of this It remake vindicates me. I hope it’s a massive hit. Because it was an awesome movie and it solidified my completely rational distrust of all clowns. This means war.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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